Confidence.

I haven't used this blog for the longest time haha. Anyway, recently, I have really proven to myself that I am worthy of being called a real musician. I have worked so hard to get to where I am now, and I am willing to work harder to get to other levels much higher than where I am. I used to have very low self-esteem and self-confidence, but after so many blessings from God, I have come to find myself proud of what I have achieved so far. I also know now that what I've been doing hasn't been enough so now, I will work the hardest I can. This is my new found confidence. This is the me I am proud to be.

So thank you God. Thank you Mom. Thank you Nigel. And thank you to all my friends who were with me every step of the way and never stopped supporting me :).

Random Thoughts...

Why the hell do I not study? What’s wrong with me?

I don’t get myself…Is it because I don’t care or just because I lack interest in studies?

What do I do if I don’t pass UP? What’s going to happen to my future?

Will I really make it as a musician?

Why are all my questions soo…yeahh.

What’s with this head of mine…

I feel stupid and unattractive. YEAH!

What’s with my low self-esteem…

What’s worth living for? Am i really doing the best I can? I guess not at school…but I gotta do better in music.

Why does it feel so lonely…

I honestly don’t know how I feel about school…

Why are these thoughts in my head…it makes me scared to think of these questions…

I don’t know where life will take me…I hope it will take me to where I want to be…

I hope something good comes out of this life…

I want to make it as a musician BADLY!

I feel…sad.

~living life in love <3 -Talia-~

Never Say Never.

You can never say never…while we don’t know it…time and time again…younger now than we were before…

...Don’t let me go…

~The Fray~

**I have a new blog...but i will still be posting here...it's not like anyone actually checks this though haha...here's the link: http://happynessinaglass.tumblr.com/ this is hosted by Tumblr. Feel free to check it out...I'll probably post the same things though haha.**

~living life in love <3 -Talia-~

Sick -_-'

Although I would love to skip school, but I don't want to miss anything. I don't want to go back to my 2nd year or 3rd year days where I was a lazy good for nothing bum. I made heart break as an excuse. I forgot that life goes on. I want to be better now. I really do. I just feel like I won't make it. The breakdown I had last night isn't over like i thought it was. I guess I have to accept the fact that I'm really scared. I think the reason why I'm sick is cause I let it get to me so much. It's weird since I should've already been sick when my cough started, but it just started the day after. It just gets harder that I also have my monthly visit from a female's worst nightmare. I hate it that it has to be every month and it hurts so bad T_T.

Well, I hope I get well soon. I also partly want to get my license tomorrow. I hope the latest it'll get to me would be on wednesday. I miss Nige. His mom doesn't want to allow him to use the phone or his cellphone. I guess she really wants him to get well. I need him though...I need someone. Lately, I've been keeping things to myself again. I don't know why. It's just happening. I feel as if everything's just so far away from my reach. I feel lost. What's happening to me? Just when everything is going well, or so I thought it was, it feels as if I'm losing grip of everything. Is it just in my head? I don't get it anymore. I don't understand what's going on with me. I used to always think that maybe I was mature, maybe I'm really not. I know a lot of things, but maybe it's still not enough. Everything of me isn't enough. I feel sad and lonely. Why do I feel this way?

I want to someone to help me. But how would people understand something in me that I myself don't understand? How am I to be understood? I wonder if a psychologist could crack the code or something. I want to find out what's making me so lost. I feel like I just want to be in a stand-still. I dont want time to move just for a while. I wish it could stop for me. But alas, time stops for no one. I wish time would be more considerate, or is it just that we don't know how to use it. Who knows, maybe one day, I'll find a way to stop time. I just feel so confused. So many feelings and thoughts boggled up inside my head. Someone help me. Someone find me. Is anyone even there?...

~living life in love <3 -Talia-~

Scared...

Im honestly scared of the future right now. I keep thinking about college. I am terrified of the college entrance exams. I am scared of what's going to happen. I don't know if I can make it or not. I mean, there is a part of me that knows I can, but the other part doubts it. I don't want to lose my confidence and I'm trying so hard of not losing it. I keep thinking about what would happen if I don't pass. Maybe I shouldn't be so negative. It might bring out something bad in me. I don't want to doubt myself anymore.

I'm thinking of really studying this time. I want to really study and prove all the people who look down at me wrong. I want to show them that I am more than the person they think I am. I want to prove myself that I can go the distance. I'm going to work really hard for this.

I'm just scared of how fragile everything is and how dreams can go down the drain so fast without us even noticing how it falls apart in the first place. As much as I wish for everything to go smooth, things always sort of don't go the way they were planned. It feels scary to face this future head on. Sometimes, it feels better to just lock myself away and hide.

The fact that I'm only taking 3 college entrance exams is also kind of making me rethink of how many i should take. Everyone is taking like 4 or more except for me. Everyone says it's better to have more options. But I say it's a waste of effort and time. It makes me wonder if I may be wrong with my choice. I am confident about my decision, but the doubts and fears keep popping out of my head. It's getting to me. I can't let it get any further deeper into my head.

I have to believe in myself. I've got to. There's no turning back. My decisions are final for me. I hope that these decisions will lead me to a good future. All I can do now, is do my best and hope and pray to God that I pass the tests. I really want this. I want to get into UP and if I really want music my whole life, I'll go all the way to Boston to go to Berklee.

I really want the life I've decided for myself. I'm just scared to actually pursue it. Life is one big risk. I don't want mediocrity. I don't want to always stay on the safe side. But I'm really scared. I'm having a breakdown and I can't talk to anyone. Why does it have to be at this time...why do I have to feel like this in the middle of the night? Nige can't even talk to me since he's sick. His mom got mad at me for calling him so late even if he was sick. It was my mistake to call...I feel so selfish for needing him right now...I'm in the wrong...but don't get me wrong, I'd be there for him no matter what even if I was dying...so now who do I run to? What am I supposed to do? I'm so lost...someone help me please...I don't know what's wrong with me...what am I supposed to do?

I feel so helpless...I feel so pathetic. I can't even handle myself. I can't even comfort myself. I feel so scared...I'm scared to death...Someone please tell me what to do...how do I get over this alone? I don't want to be alone again. I don't want that anymore. I don't want to cry alone anymore. Why am I so scared? I've never felt so scared of anything like this before...good thing Nissy's here...I don't know what I'd do without her...and at least Nige called just to say that he was going to sleep and talk to me tomorrow. I just feel lonely...I haven't felt like this for the longest time...

I want to stop crying...I wish I could just stop...why isn't it stopping? Maybe I've been keeping this fear in for so long that it's just too much to keep it in. I guess it overflowed and just got to me. I'm a bit calmer now...blogs do help...and friends too...I wish Nige was here...I'm sorry for this ridiculous breakdown of mine. Maybe just once in a while, a person has to release everything. I just feel stressed and pressured by everything. I feel like I'm going to lose everything or get stuck in reverse and get no where. I'm so afraid of nothingness...I hope this feeling would fade soon. Watching Babel is calming me down. Nissy said to watch a happy movie, but I guess this is the bittersweet type of movie...I feel tired...

~living life in love <3 -Talia-~

fulfilled

I feel stressed, tired and fulfilled. It's weird that i feel all those at the same time. I guess i know that i'm working my ass off and actually seeing it kind pay off. I've got my confidence back and i'm going to turn my world around and make this a happy last school year. I ain't letting anyone rain on my parade this time.

I'm happy and i'm not going to lose this for quite some time. I've decided on what i want to do. Although i'm still a bit scared of what the future might bring, but i know i can be great. I don't want to lose this confidence anymore. I know i need to be strong even though some people don't like the decision i've made. I just have to keep my confidence and hold my head up high. I'm just gonna do the best that i can and show myself that i can be great. This is my resolve. It may be too late for me to get good recommendations for college since i messed up the last two years of my high school life, but like they say, it's never too late to change.

I'm seriously thinking about not taking the ACET. It's true that i don't need any course there. It would be a waste of time to take it and the effort of studying would maybe just make things worse. But i do want to take it just for the reason that i want to pass it. So now i'm thinking about whether to take it or not. I'm also going to apply for CSB i think. I'm seriously thinking about it. It's an option. But the thing i'm really thinking about is if i am planning to submit an application for Berklee now. I can do that in the future, but i don't want to waste a lot of time just studying. But i guess i can study and do what i want at the same time. It's just a matter of hard work and heart. I can work on that. I also have this thing of wanting to act. I can act, i know i can. People don't seem to know that though. And maybe, one day, i can be able to participate in great broadway shows. Haha what a silly and cool dream. Although i know that i have the potential to reach that if i keep trying.

I actually love school now. I never thought i could achieve what i am achieving today. I've let too many people put me down. I've compared myself too much to others. And when i learned to just see myself, i started to do good. I will make this year the best year yet. I wish i could've done that last year for i dearly loved my class last year. It was just my second year slump that made me feel down the whole time. And even if i am alone, or feel alone, i can't let that make me feel like giving up. It's weak of me to actually succumb to that. I hate myself for fearing loneliness. But from now on, i know i'm not alone. I have great friends. They're always there. And i have Nigel too. I hope this happiness isn't a temporary one. Of course there will be ups and downs, but i wish it would stay a little longer this time.

~living life in love <3 -Talia-~

liking school.

Ok, i hope no one gets offended by the things that are going to be stated in this blog. This is freedom of speech that i am exercising haha.

Senior year is not my best year, but i love it. Holistically, this year is my ideal class. Friends are more of co-workers, and everyone enjoys themselves at the same time. But third year was my best and partly worst year. I'm surprised to say that i love this school year. I think it's kind of too late to like it now. I should've liked it when i was in third year so i could've done well. It's so ironic how i like school. Last year, i was always trying to find ways to not go to school cause i hated it. I guess it was because of my second year. Second year was torture to me. But there are things that made me happy that year, but only outside of school. School really sucked in second year.

This year is like a new start for me. I figured out so many things i wished i figured out last year. I have friends this year who don't look down on me. I'm happy that my relationship with them is going well. Last year, i felt so alone even though at the same time, people welcomed me. I guess i wasn't as close to everyone as they were close to each other. I wasn't the close friend. I guess i felt bad about that. Other people just seemed to not like me for i don't know what reason. They could've told me. I would've rather they told me than what they did, which was hiding it from me. I really felt like an outcast. But now, since we're not classmates, i feel like i'm still a part of the unforgettable three-ten. Third year could be considered my best and partly the worst. But nothing could beat how bad second year was.

First year is where i found my true friends. I found my best friends. But i didn't like the class because of certain people. And let me just say, the new students in my class before, they're such snobs now. It's like they don't even know me. Wow, so much for camaraderie.

This class, i like them, but loving this class is another story. The year is just starting out, something bad is bound to happen since i am in this class. Nothing really goes my way. I'm partly always the outcast. Even at my elective, i'm still an outcast. I wish Aliona still went to the Japanese elective with me. But who cares, i love the Japanese culture. I can thrive on my own.

I guess i just don't like being alone. Maybe it's i who causes myself to be further distanced by people. Maybe it's my flaws that i never worked on. I guess maybe, i'm too over-excited that i keep talking about something over and over again. But would that really bother people? I wish i knew what was really wrong with me. I never seem to fit in. I never seem to be the one people want to be close with. I'm not the type of person who's wanted or liked. People never tell me why. People never get dissappointed when i'm not there. People don't invite me to outings. It hurts. It's lonely. It's sad.

I just want to get through high school cause of this. Some people have friends, but my friends seem to be drifting away all the more. I don't know what to do now but to rely on teachers sometimes. Teachers can't help sometimes either, but they make me feel like i belong somewhere. What's wrong with me? I wish someone would answer me. I don't like feeling alone in school anymore. It makes me detest school. It gets me unmotivated and sick of school. It breaks my heart.

I like this year because no one treats me like i'm an outcast. But this year is nothing special because, i actually don't know why. It feels normal. It feels mediocre. It feels hollow. I hope it will become special in due time. After all, the third week of school is just about to start tomorrow.

I am excited for tomorrow to come (meaning monday since it is now 3am in the morning). I'm going to be a certified non-pro driver. That makes me feel fulfilled and happy. I'm also going to try to run for center core in the school's GIFT program. I want to head the instrumentalists' department. Although, my confidence is dwindling because the election is like a popularity contest. I feel that i would lose. And i think this year, there will be a song fest. I want to win or at least have the place that i deserve to have. I don't want the things in second year to happen again. That really broke my heart. It took me two years to get over that. That's the reason i started hating school in the first place. People are so unfair to ruin other people's work. I hate it when people do that.

I can't wait for college too. A clean sleight for everything. A new environment with new friends. I look forward to it. But there is a part of me that doesn't want to grow up. And after college, i plan to teach music in St. Paul. Two of my teachers actually promised me that they would wait for me to get there. One was Ms. Peds (one of my closest teachers) and the second was Sir Virtudez. I hope my other teachers are still there too when i teach there, if i can even teach there in the future. I want to grow up so fast yet i want things to stay the way they are. Sigh. I wish things would get better some how. Even my relationship is some how on the edge right now.

I just realized how much blogging helps me. It takes the burden away even if no one is reading it. The truth really sets us free. I'm tired. I have HW to do tomorrow. I shouldn't have procrastinated the other day. I'm starting to do it again. Ugh. I have to not give in to the temptation of procrastinating. I wish i get my car soon. I want to drive already, badly.

~living life in love <3-Talia-~

tired.

I'm really tired. School is taking up much of my time. But i am partly happy about that. I'm getting used to the fact that i have to take school more seriously or else, i'll have to face a lot of consequences. I miss my class last year. I miss my teachers last year. I miss what i used to have with my boyfriend. I wish he would be more of a best friend nowadays. I don't know what's wrong with me. It's like i'm always not enough. I'm sorry for ranting like this because i just feel exhausted to the point where i don't know how i feel. Balancing school and a relationship is a bit hard. I still try my best to give my time even though i am so busy. I guess i'm the one who's not worthy of his time.

It feels so tiring, the fact that there's so much to do already plus all the drama that's going on. Things are getting harder. Well, life is always getting harder. Everything feels distant and just numb. I wish it would all be over soon. Too much drama isn't good for anyone. Just when things at school were going great, your personal life really has to be bad. Even in the movie the Devil Wears Prada, one character there said that when our work is good our personal life goes down the drain. So what do you exactly choose? Isn't that a bit too hard to choose from?

I know i don't want my life to be boring and mediocre, so i guess i shouldn't ask for everything to be always right. So as of now, i won't ask for anything. I'll simply live through it. God gives us through certain things so we become better people. I don't think he'd put us through anything we can't take. And as people, i think we are capable of going through anything. We all have the capability of being strong. We just have to simply believe and not lose faith in ourself and God, that is if you believe in God.

Maybe i've been blind for all these years about being me. I should've harnessed the confidence a long time ago. Too bad i'm just human, i got to go through what everyone goes through, namely the time where we close ourselves off to everyone else because we think it's a better way of preserving ourselves. After all, we are just human. We try to survive and try to find the right way to do it. I'm glad i'm out of that phase. Some people really just don't like to share how they feel. I don't understand why. The truth sets us free. Why not be honest? Why do we have to hide who we are and what we think? Isn't it kind of useless? What's the use of hiding oneself if we end up just being more burdened by our own actions. What's the use of living but to share our lives to other people who we love. What else are we here for but to be relational beings?

It's so weird how some people want to keep to themselves so much. I mean a bit is ok cause we all need our space, but hiding every ounce of what we feel adds to the weight of untold heart aches. It creates another us. It changes us through time. We build up a shell and then some how, forget the part that is who we are. Why do we need to be such hermits? It's like the one with the best shell is the most liked one but then when the truth comes out, it's a normal crab. I might not know if i'm still making sense, maybe i am or maybe i'm not, but hiding how we feel isn't a good idea all the time. Hiding who we are makes it all the worse.

I've been so tired of all these thoughts. I wish i was more ignorant, or maybe naive is the better word. But i guess we can't help growing up. It's such a pain and joy to grow up. ugh.

I'm tired. Physically only though. I need some rest. Maybe a few hours would do. I wish life would be better in the future. I think it will be. I made a new motto. Instead of proving others wrong, i'm going to focus more on proving myself right. :)

Nigel, i love you. I really want to work things out. But please, know your priorities. Education, family, and friends come before gaming. I wish i could come before gaming. Gah. I really want you to be my future. So let's work on each other. I love you so much.

This is all for now. I am drained.

~living life in love <3 -Talia-~