i'm back :)

I came home today from Boracay. It was a good trip and it was relaxing. The beach was very nice and we stayed at a good place where there was no "lumot" (sea plant thingies) and the sea was as clear as a clean swimming pool. But i have this really weird phobia with fish. Don't get me wrong, i love fish and watching them swim so gracefully, i actually have this fantasy of being a mermaid. The thing is, i'm afraid of being touched by those cute fish. I scream at the site of them when they're very near. I hate it. I don't know why, i just have this thing about slimy things even though slime doesn't bother me much. Howcome fish bother me so much? This is a question i have never answered and i'm still trying to find out. I remember now one way to find out why we fear things. Last year, when i was still in third year, my history teacher, Sir Bunag, made us do this meditation exercise. If we weren't concentrated, then nothing would come out of it, according to him. He let us be in a relaxed state, like we were floating. Yes i got to that part, but things kind of lead me to another course, and thus i was distracted. I tried to get back on track, but then all i kept seeing in my head was a beautiful vineyard and i think i was in france. I felt like i was a rich aristocrat and that i had everything, well almost, that i wanted in this world. But i was lonely. I had no one with me. I owned all, but had no one to share it with. Kind of sad right? And then the thought of me being afraid of loneliness came up to me after Sir Bunag explained to us that that vision was a sort of past life. Our fears came from that past life. And i started thinking, maybe he is right. And now, maybe i can find out about my fear of being touched by fish by doing that again, but problem is, i have no one to guide me to get into that state once again and i have forgotten how our teacher did it. I really want to find out why i fear fish so much cause it's starting to weird me out. I don't get it, really.

Anyway, enough about that. I just want to get back to gym. I haven't been in gym for a whole week and i'm really looking forward to it. Doing gym makes me feel fulfilled and happy. I guess it's the endorphines kicking in haha. And i'm also going to try to study well for my entrance exams. I do want to pass the UPCAT and ACET. If i pass both, then i'd be very VERY VERY HAPPY. It's my dream to go to UP and to pass the ACET. Going to UP is the most important to me out of all my choices. I want to learn music and be better at it. I want to be the best and i want to be regarded as the best, if not the best, at least one of the bests. Passing the ACET is just for my self-esteem. I know it's pretty low of me to want that for the sake of my own ego, but i want to prove to myself that i am capable of doing what i want. I guess this part of me is somehow the egoistic part.

I really want to fulfill my dream of being a musician. I want to be famous around the business (even if not the public audience) so that i may be a sought after musician. I want be someone who is worth to be called great. I know that my dream is a bit far fetched but i believe i can do it. Somewhere in my head there is doubt, but i can't let myself believe in such doubts if i really do want to make it into the real world from my dream world. I hope that i can really make it through and i hope that i won't have to or need to give up this future. I love music and it's the only thing i see myself happily doing in the future.

Oh yeah, in Boracay, i met new friends. I even named them myself haha. These friends were all dogs. I am such an addict when it comes to dogs. We fed them everynight we were there, well the other one was fed well so no need to feed him. We were closer to the other one. I named him Bucci. He was so sweet and cute and all. I honestly wanted to take him, and if i did, he would be the 2nd dog from Boracay that we would've taken home haha. The two dogs were guards at the place so they were owned and were not strays. The other one was a bit grumpy and we call him Manager (since he's the manager's dog) but i personally called him Pocca. Wow, the names i come up with for dogs haha. I had a blast with them and they were always following us around until they were on the job or if they wanted to play with the other dogs. I was attatched to Bucci and i even bought him a leash because he had a rough rope entangling him when i first met him. I gave him that so he would have a comfortable one if he needed it. I honestly miss the dogs since i spent my nice windy cool nights with them everyday. I would be with them for about an hour, just patting them and running my hand through their back. They loved it. It was like they were never showed such in their life which is sad. I hope to see them again soon. We also visited a Golden Retriever from a friend who owns a resort and hotel. We met him again after two years and it was such a sweet reunion. River, the retriever, came running to us when we called him. It seems that he hasn't forgotten all that time when i'd always rub his belly and just spend time playing with him. And now he has a wife named Goldie/Goldy (not sure how to spell it) and she was very friendly to us.

Enough about dogs for now haha. Thinking about senior year, i'm kind of excited. I'm excited cause i know this time, i will be one of those students who will receive an award for academic excellence. I know i am capable of it. I'm going to make this a year to remember. I'm also going to slim down this year. Along with my new hair-do, i have a new resolution haha. I got the haircut just after we got back from Boracay. After, had an amazing time with Nigel. I hope you have a safe trip tomorrow. I will pray greatly for your safe flight going there and coming back here.

I am really tired right now so this will be all for now. This is gonna be a great school year :D. I'm gonna make it one.

~living life in love <3 -Talia-~

happyness. just to get things of my chest.

I haven't written in a long time. I guess i'm a bit lazy but it's more of not being able to write anything. I keep wondering, what if my life was like life in the movies, tv shows, or even anime. Wouldn't that be cool? I mean, to have so many adventures and to always feel so alive is what i really want. And things catch up with me, thoughts of fear of being boring and just plainly mediocre. It's a sad thought that keeps catching up with me. As i have said, i will not settle for mediocrity.

In a few days, Nigel and i have will have been together for 1 year and 3 months. Wow, how time passes by so fast and slow at the same time. It's been one hell of a ride with Nige, but i'm glad to say that i don't regret anything we've been through. I just get so scared of thinking how it might end, if it would end, and if things just become so dull between us. But i guess i'm not so scared cause somehow i know that it would never be dull between the two of us. The fear just keeps seeping in and it's trying to wash out everything else that's good but i will not let fear get the best of me. Not anymore at least.

I wish the trip to Anvaya still comes through on a saturday. And i'm also excited to get my student permit :D. I can drive by friday yay! I wish i can have my own car soon, supposedly courtesy of my dad, but i haven't heard any news from him since like last month. I want to drive already and be free. I want to be free but of course i will always remember my responsibilities and limits.

And i wish that school wasn't so near yet and that at the same time it starts already so that i can just get it done with. I want to finish high school already and finish it with awards so that my mom and i have something to be proud of, that i am worth something. I want to do my best this time to the best of my abilities because i know i am one of those people who can achieve what they really want. I know i am capable of being the best. I won't compare myself to others anymore. I will graduate one of the best students in St. Paul holding my head up high.

Anyway, i'm really tired and sick :\. I hate being sick except on school days. I know i have to lose that attitude of being so lazy. It's just that i really find school so useless. I know some people would call me crazy for saying that for education is the most important thing we hold in this world, but i don't share that opinion, or rather fact. I don't get what school can do for me. I'm persuing music and i have no idea what i need chemistry for. I just don't get it. I wish that i focused on music alone so that at least i would be really good at it by now. I hope i still get somewhere in the future because in it's own way, the future haunts me a lot more than i realized it really did. I'm scared to be stuck in reverse and to be plain and normal. I don't want to be mediocre. I want to do what i want. And i hope that my determination and hope do not fail me. I don't wish life was easier, i just wish that i don't lose myself in stupidity or mediocrity. I don't want to lose myself, period. I want to be happy and even if it would make me go through shit that never fails to catch up with us, i'm willing to get hurt and fall just to get to stand up and say that i'm happy and that i have no regrets. I'm not going to say i'm not going to be scared anymore, but rather say that i accept my fears and take them with me but not let them be me. I won't lose hope anymore, and i will be full of courage. No more fragile little girl. I'm going to grow up now. I'm going to be happy.

~living life in love <3 -Talia-~

powerless and no-win scenarios

I've been thinking lately about how powerless i really am. How powerless i am to help people in need. How powerless i am to help the people i love most. How powerless i am to make those around me happy. How powerless i am to save things that i love. I feel so powerless. Even in arguments, i feel powerless, like i have no say in things or that i can't do anything but accept it even though it hurts. I feel as if i've been stripped of having choices, plainly powerless.

I watched Star Trek a few days ago, and something that happened to Spock left me speechless. A man who lost most of what was dear to him couldn't do anything because he was powerless. Some things are just beyond our control. They say "there's always a choice" but is that really true? What if there's no other choice? What if we can't do anything and it's a so called no-win scenario? This is where the difference of being powerless and believing in having choices coincide. Are we really powerless at times? Even if we cannot control the situation, is there nothing more we can do?

Maybe sometimes there is, and sometimes there isn't. I just have to not believe in no-win scenarios just as Captain James Tiberius Kirk has influenced Mr. Spock that there's always a choice, there's always a way to win. Unless it's dealing with death i guess. But i'd rather go on my whole life believing that there will always be a choice and that we always have a way if we have the will. We can do what we want. I ain't giving up just yet on anything i love or want. I'm going to soar high and be more than i can be.

Whatever people say, i've decided to never lose hope and to do all that i can do. I will not be powerless but neither will i try to control everything. I will simply do whatever i can to the best of my abilities and not give up. I will win, and if ever i lose, then i will try and try again. I won't give up that easily :).

~living life in love <3-Talia-~

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANDRE VALENCIA!! :D

Today, we celebrated a very important day. Andre Valencia's 17th birthday :D

We went karaoke-ing again and HAD SO MUCH FUN :D. We sang like crazy, my voice cracked :| :)). Drei's did too =)). Drei, this is your special blog entry and your birthday gift for now (i still owe you one).

Drei is not your average pimp. He's the "Pimp Cool Daddy McSmooth" pimp. KEDDENG :D. This guy is one hell of a funny guy. He's the life of the party. But at the same time, he's a really nice guy. There's so much more than what meets the eye if you get to know him well. Currently, he's married to two people, Wife one: Micky Martinez; Wife two: Miggy Valdez; but don't forget, he also has a mistress named Anton Neric. Yes, ALL MEN =)). These group of insanely ingenious, smart, funny guys are the type of people you'd love to hang out with. They're the people who bring the life to any kind of occasion. And at the same time, they're the type of friends who you'd really be thankful for. I cherrish Drei, and all of the bros as well. You guys are all family to me. And Drei, on this special day, I hope you are happy :). And that your wishes and our wishes for you come true. Never lose hope or faith and never think low of yourself, for you are a great person. You are a great friend and brother and best friend. So never think so low of yourself for many think highly of you. Don't limit yourself for you can achieve great things. And remember, you are more than you think you are. Be more confident :). People would love you for who you are as i do. I love you bro :D HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! >:D<

To Drei. Best wishes on your birthday. Always take care and God bless. Always believe in the Lord and you will be fine. I'm always here for you so don't have any second thoughts about coming to me when you need anything. I'm always here for you. Labshooooo MWAHUGS :P


~living life in love <3-Talia-~

cleaned out my closet

Technically, i've cleaned out my closet. I've cleaned my room, which is unbelievable. It's not really something i like doing. It's also something i rarely do, for example, when my mom threatens me of restraint from going out, that's when i clean it. But cleaning my room helped me. It helped me think of what i should do and of who i should be. I should be me. DUH, but even if it is a big duh, a lot of people still have a hard time of being themselves. It's weird, that sometimes, the hardest thing to do is be ourselves. Why is that so? Maybe we think to much of what other people think of us. It's about all those so called "reputation" that we have to live up to. Why do we fall into the trap of having to be someone else but us? What's wrong with being who we are?

Of course it is important that others think of who we are as good reputable people. But that's not what living life is. Of course we have to stay decent, but it's also important to be ourselves. It's not good to pretend.

After cleaning out my closet, I decided to replace and to throw away a few things. It may have been hard, but things have to change and change has to be accepted or denied. I accepted mine. I threw out my being unreasonable, especially when it comes to things i want. I threw out the part of me who's hard headed. I threw out the irresponsible part of me as well. I threw out the part of me who has been hiding, no more hiding, i want to be me. No more trying to be who i'm not. I'm done with that.

I will change and continue this change. I have to be more mature and i can't stay a small fragile child anymore. I'm growing up. I'm going to grow up with the people i love most. I'm going to make them feel proud of me. And all those who look down at me, will be sorry. I know i'm just saying this right now, and words are nothing compared to actions. But i promise, to the people i love, to God, and most importantly, myself, that i will be a better person. I will fulfill these things that i have said. And i will also learn to save more from now on. I will also work out more in gym and have a good and healthy diet so i can become slim and more fit. I'm going to live my life with no regret anymore. I'm going to live my life to the fullest.

~living life in love <3 -Talia-~

something to think about....

Recently, i've been talking to one of my closest best friends, Sandra. She was a dear friend and still is. She's now in the States cause her mom works there. She's like a sister to me like all of my true friends. Anyway, we kept on talking about college. What course she should enter or not. Her mom persists on her taking nursing. Why? because it's more realistic than fashion designing. But it's not fair to not be able to choose what we want. It's not fair to not give all that we've got to something we feel that will make us happy. I know i am a bit of a bad friend to tell her to against her mother's wishes, but i don't want her to be miserable or to regret. I care for my friends and i don't want them to go through something as painful as regret.

Am i wrong for saying this? It is true that it is realistic to take up something that would earn us some money for the future, but what if it won't make us happy? Should we just accept things and regret them? Should we submit to what we call "reality"?

All the people who tell me to be more realistic, i don't quite believe in them. What's wrong with dreaming big? It happens to other people, why can't it happen to anyone else, to us? I know it has nothing to do with luck. And saying that we have to be more realistic, doesn't it mean the same thing that we are succumbing to the mediocrity of this world? It's the same thing. We accept that we can't go further than where we are. But is that really true? The acomodador (mexican term meaning "the giving up point") is getting to us all the time. And thus, regret shows up with unhappiness and deceit.

I know money is important, but money cannot buy us happiness. It can buy us what we need, but what is more important to us? Happiness or materialistic needs and wants? I know people would say that materialistic things are more important. But can one live without happiness? Can one truly achieve what we truly need, what our soul truly needs with just material? Why is it so wrong to go after what we want? Why is it so wrong to try to be happy? Why is it so wrong to try but fail? We all fail at something. But just because we failed for one time doesn't mean it's the end of it all. The acomodador just comes and takes us away from our happiness. We should never lose hope. Dreaming is better than being realistic. If we were all realistic, would this world still ever be the same? Would America have a black president right now if it was not for the ideals of Abraham Lincoln? Why do people find it so bad to try for what they really want? Because of money and poverty? Isn't it our fault how things turn out for us? "If we don't give up, would we really achieve our goal?" this is the question that leads us nearer to the acomodador. How would we know if we don't keep trying? I really think that we should do what we want, what we believe would make us happy and have no regret.

College is coming up and for a time, i felt like i wasn't going to make into music. But i've changed that thought. I now believe that i can do it. I will not succumb to reality nor to the acomodador. I will not succumb to anything that stands in my way. I will not give up for my happiness is the price i must pay if i give everything up.

May it be in relationships or careers, i will never give up. "Reality" is the only word that stands between us and what we want. And if we get past this haunting and fearful thought, i know we can achieve what we want. Everyone has his or her day, so let's not give this day up. Let's not give happiness up for happiness is the only thing we all look for in this life time. Let's all do our best with all we've got and never look back. Let us be free from this mediocrity and this "reality" as we call it.

Sandra, I am looking forward to your coming back here on June 14. I hope that your mom agrees to what you want. And as to all my friends, i hope you can achieve true happiness as well.

Anyway, apart from this, today was a happy day once again. I spent the day with Nigel and had so much fun. Although being not able to swim was a bit of a letdown but it's all good. We also walked Rowdy in Bonifacio High Street and got ice cream (coldrock is really expensive :|). Anyway, thanks for this great day Nige, i'm glad we did something different this time :).

~living life in love <3 -Talia-~