Random Thoughts...

Why the hell do I not study? What’s wrong with me?

I don’t get myself…Is it because I don’t care or just because I lack interest in studies?

What do I do if I don’t pass UP? What’s going to happen to my future?

Will I really make it as a musician?

Why are all my questions soo…yeahh.

What’s with this head of mine…

I feel stupid and unattractive. YEAH!

What’s with my low self-esteem…

What’s worth living for? Am i really doing the best I can? I guess not at school…but I gotta do better in music.

Why does it feel so lonely…

I honestly don’t know how I feel about school…

Why are these thoughts in my head…it makes me scared to think of these questions…

I don’t know where life will take me…I hope it will take me to where I want to be…

I hope something good comes out of this life…

I want to make it as a musician BADLY!

I feel…sad.

~living life in love <3 -Talia-~

Never Say Never.

You can never say never…while we don’t know it…time and time again…younger now than we were before…

...Don’t let me go…

~The Fray~

**I have a new blog...but i will still be posting here...it's not like anyone actually checks this though haha...here's the link: http://happynessinaglass.tumblr.com/ this is hosted by Tumblr. Feel free to check it out...I'll probably post the same things though haha.**

~living life in love <3 -Talia-~

Sick -_-'

Although I would love to skip school, but I don't want to miss anything. I don't want to go back to my 2nd year or 3rd year days where I was a lazy good for nothing bum. I made heart break as an excuse. I forgot that life goes on. I want to be better now. I really do. I just feel like I won't make it. The breakdown I had last night isn't over like i thought it was. I guess I have to accept the fact that I'm really scared. I think the reason why I'm sick is cause I let it get to me so much. It's weird since I should've already been sick when my cough started, but it just started the day after. It just gets harder that I also have my monthly visit from a female's worst nightmare. I hate it that it has to be every month and it hurts so bad T_T.

Well, I hope I get well soon. I also partly want to get my license tomorrow. I hope the latest it'll get to me would be on wednesday. I miss Nige. His mom doesn't want to allow him to use the phone or his cellphone. I guess she really wants him to get well. I need him though...I need someone. Lately, I've been keeping things to myself again. I don't know why. It's just happening. I feel as if everything's just so far away from my reach. I feel lost. What's happening to me? Just when everything is going well, or so I thought it was, it feels as if I'm losing grip of everything. Is it just in my head? I don't get it anymore. I don't understand what's going on with me. I used to always think that maybe I was mature, maybe I'm really not. I know a lot of things, but maybe it's still not enough. Everything of me isn't enough. I feel sad and lonely. Why do I feel this way?

I want to someone to help me. But how would people understand something in me that I myself don't understand? How am I to be understood? I wonder if a psychologist could crack the code or something. I want to find out what's making me so lost. I feel like I just want to be in a stand-still. I dont want time to move just for a while. I wish it could stop for me. But alas, time stops for no one. I wish time would be more considerate, or is it just that we don't know how to use it. Who knows, maybe one day, I'll find a way to stop time. I just feel so confused. So many feelings and thoughts boggled up inside my head. Someone help me. Someone find me. Is anyone even there?...

~living life in love <3 -Talia-~

Scared...

Im honestly scared of the future right now. I keep thinking about college. I am terrified of the college entrance exams. I am scared of what's going to happen. I don't know if I can make it or not. I mean, there is a part of me that knows I can, but the other part doubts it. I don't want to lose my confidence and I'm trying so hard of not losing it. I keep thinking about what would happen if I don't pass. Maybe I shouldn't be so negative. It might bring out something bad in me. I don't want to doubt myself anymore.

I'm thinking of really studying this time. I want to really study and prove all the people who look down at me wrong. I want to show them that I am more than the person they think I am. I want to prove myself that I can go the distance. I'm going to work really hard for this.

I'm just scared of how fragile everything is and how dreams can go down the drain so fast without us even noticing how it falls apart in the first place. As much as I wish for everything to go smooth, things always sort of don't go the way they were planned. It feels scary to face this future head on. Sometimes, it feels better to just lock myself away and hide.

The fact that I'm only taking 3 college entrance exams is also kind of making me rethink of how many i should take. Everyone is taking like 4 or more except for me. Everyone says it's better to have more options. But I say it's a waste of effort and time. It makes me wonder if I may be wrong with my choice. I am confident about my decision, but the doubts and fears keep popping out of my head. It's getting to me. I can't let it get any further deeper into my head.

I have to believe in myself. I've got to. There's no turning back. My decisions are final for me. I hope that these decisions will lead me to a good future. All I can do now, is do my best and hope and pray to God that I pass the tests. I really want this. I want to get into UP and if I really want music my whole life, I'll go all the way to Boston to go to Berklee.

I really want the life I've decided for myself. I'm just scared to actually pursue it. Life is one big risk. I don't want mediocrity. I don't want to always stay on the safe side. But I'm really scared. I'm having a breakdown and I can't talk to anyone. Why does it have to be at this time...why do I have to feel like this in the middle of the night? Nige can't even talk to me since he's sick. His mom got mad at me for calling him so late even if he was sick. It was my mistake to call...I feel so selfish for needing him right now...I'm in the wrong...but don't get me wrong, I'd be there for him no matter what even if I was dying...so now who do I run to? What am I supposed to do? I'm so lost...someone help me please...I don't know what's wrong with me...what am I supposed to do?

I feel so helpless...I feel so pathetic. I can't even handle myself. I can't even comfort myself. I feel so scared...I'm scared to death...Someone please tell me what to do...how do I get over this alone? I don't want to be alone again. I don't want that anymore. I don't want to cry alone anymore. Why am I so scared? I've never felt so scared of anything like this before...good thing Nissy's here...I don't know what I'd do without her...and at least Nige called just to say that he was going to sleep and talk to me tomorrow. I just feel lonely...I haven't felt like this for the longest time...

I want to stop crying...I wish I could just stop...why isn't it stopping? Maybe I've been keeping this fear in for so long that it's just too much to keep it in. I guess it overflowed and just got to me. I'm a bit calmer now...blogs do help...and friends too...I wish Nige was here...I'm sorry for this ridiculous breakdown of mine. Maybe just once in a while, a person has to release everything. I just feel stressed and pressured by everything. I feel like I'm going to lose everything or get stuck in reverse and get no where. I'm so afraid of nothingness...I hope this feeling would fade soon. Watching Babel is calming me down. Nissy said to watch a happy movie, but I guess this is the bittersweet type of movie...I feel tired...

~living life in love <3 -Talia-~

fulfilled

I feel stressed, tired and fulfilled. It's weird that i feel all those at the same time. I guess i know that i'm working my ass off and actually seeing it kind pay off. I've got my confidence back and i'm going to turn my world around and make this a happy last school year. I ain't letting anyone rain on my parade this time.

I'm happy and i'm not going to lose this for quite some time. I've decided on what i want to do. Although i'm still a bit scared of what the future might bring, but i know i can be great. I don't want to lose this confidence anymore. I know i need to be strong even though some people don't like the decision i've made. I just have to keep my confidence and hold my head up high. I'm just gonna do the best that i can and show myself that i can be great. This is my resolve. It may be too late for me to get good recommendations for college since i messed up the last two years of my high school life, but like they say, it's never too late to change.

I'm seriously thinking about not taking the ACET. It's true that i don't need any course there. It would be a waste of time to take it and the effort of studying would maybe just make things worse. But i do want to take it just for the reason that i want to pass it. So now i'm thinking about whether to take it or not. I'm also going to apply for CSB i think. I'm seriously thinking about it. It's an option. But the thing i'm really thinking about is if i am planning to submit an application for Berklee now. I can do that in the future, but i don't want to waste a lot of time just studying. But i guess i can study and do what i want at the same time. It's just a matter of hard work and heart. I can work on that. I also have this thing of wanting to act. I can act, i know i can. People don't seem to know that though. And maybe, one day, i can be able to participate in great broadway shows. Haha what a silly and cool dream. Although i know that i have the potential to reach that if i keep trying.

I actually love school now. I never thought i could achieve what i am achieving today. I've let too many people put me down. I've compared myself too much to others. And when i learned to just see myself, i started to do good. I will make this year the best year yet. I wish i could've done that last year for i dearly loved my class last year. It was just my second year slump that made me feel down the whole time. And even if i am alone, or feel alone, i can't let that make me feel like giving up. It's weak of me to actually succumb to that. I hate myself for fearing loneliness. But from now on, i know i'm not alone. I have great friends. They're always there. And i have Nigel too. I hope this happiness isn't a temporary one. Of course there will be ups and downs, but i wish it would stay a little longer this time.

~living life in love <3 -Talia-~

liking school.

Ok, i hope no one gets offended by the things that are going to be stated in this blog. This is freedom of speech that i am exercising haha.

Senior year is not my best year, but i love it. Holistically, this year is my ideal class. Friends are more of co-workers, and everyone enjoys themselves at the same time. But third year was my best and partly worst year. I'm surprised to say that i love this school year. I think it's kind of too late to like it now. I should've liked it when i was in third year so i could've done well. It's so ironic how i like school. Last year, i was always trying to find ways to not go to school cause i hated it. I guess it was because of my second year. Second year was torture to me. But there are things that made me happy that year, but only outside of school. School really sucked in second year.

This year is like a new start for me. I figured out so many things i wished i figured out last year. I have friends this year who don't look down on me. I'm happy that my relationship with them is going well. Last year, i felt so alone even though at the same time, people welcomed me. I guess i wasn't as close to everyone as they were close to each other. I wasn't the close friend. I guess i felt bad about that. Other people just seemed to not like me for i don't know what reason. They could've told me. I would've rather they told me than what they did, which was hiding it from me. I really felt like an outcast. But now, since we're not classmates, i feel like i'm still a part of the unforgettable three-ten. Third year could be considered my best and partly the worst. But nothing could beat how bad second year was.

First year is where i found my true friends. I found my best friends. But i didn't like the class because of certain people. And let me just say, the new students in my class before, they're such snobs now. It's like they don't even know me. Wow, so much for camaraderie.

This class, i like them, but loving this class is another story. The year is just starting out, something bad is bound to happen since i am in this class. Nothing really goes my way. I'm partly always the outcast. Even at my elective, i'm still an outcast. I wish Aliona still went to the Japanese elective with me. But who cares, i love the Japanese culture. I can thrive on my own.

I guess i just don't like being alone. Maybe it's i who causes myself to be further distanced by people. Maybe it's my flaws that i never worked on. I guess maybe, i'm too over-excited that i keep talking about something over and over again. But would that really bother people? I wish i knew what was really wrong with me. I never seem to fit in. I never seem to be the one people want to be close with. I'm not the type of person who's wanted or liked. People never tell me why. People never get dissappointed when i'm not there. People don't invite me to outings. It hurts. It's lonely. It's sad.

I just want to get through high school cause of this. Some people have friends, but my friends seem to be drifting away all the more. I don't know what to do now but to rely on teachers sometimes. Teachers can't help sometimes either, but they make me feel like i belong somewhere. What's wrong with me? I wish someone would answer me. I don't like feeling alone in school anymore. It makes me detest school. It gets me unmotivated and sick of school. It breaks my heart.

I like this year because no one treats me like i'm an outcast. But this year is nothing special because, i actually don't know why. It feels normal. It feels mediocre. It feels hollow. I hope it will become special in due time. After all, the third week of school is just about to start tomorrow.

I am excited for tomorrow to come (meaning monday since it is now 3am in the morning). I'm going to be a certified non-pro driver. That makes me feel fulfilled and happy. I'm also going to try to run for center core in the school's GIFT program. I want to head the instrumentalists' department. Although, my confidence is dwindling because the election is like a popularity contest. I feel that i would lose. And i think this year, there will be a song fest. I want to win or at least have the place that i deserve to have. I don't want the things in second year to happen again. That really broke my heart. It took me two years to get over that. That's the reason i started hating school in the first place. People are so unfair to ruin other people's work. I hate it when people do that.

I can't wait for college too. A clean sleight for everything. A new environment with new friends. I look forward to it. But there is a part of me that doesn't want to grow up. And after college, i plan to teach music in St. Paul. Two of my teachers actually promised me that they would wait for me to get there. One was Ms. Peds (one of my closest teachers) and the second was Sir Virtudez. I hope my other teachers are still there too when i teach there, if i can even teach there in the future. I want to grow up so fast yet i want things to stay the way they are. Sigh. I wish things would get better some how. Even my relationship is some how on the edge right now.

I just realized how much blogging helps me. It takes the burden away even if no one is reading it. The truth really sets us free. I'm tired. I have HW to do tomorrow. I shouldn't have procrastinated the other day. I'm starting to do it again. Ugh. I have to not give in to the temptation of procrastinating. I wish i get my car soon. I want to drive already, badly.

~living life in love <3-Talia-~

tired.

I'm really tired. School is taking up much of my time. But i am partly happy about that. I'm getting used to the fact that i have to take school more seriously or else, i'll have to face a lot of consequences. I miss my class last year. I miss my teachers last year. I miss what i used to have with my boyfriend. I wish he would be more of a best friend nowadays. I don't know what's wrong with me. It's like i'm always not enough. I'm sorry for ranting like this because i just feel exhausted to the point where i don't know how i feel. Balancing school and a relationship is a bit hard. I still try my best to give my time even though i am so busy. I guess i'm the one who's not worthy of his time.

It feels so tiring, the fact that there's so much to do already plus all the drama that's going on. Things are getting harder. Well, life is always getting harder. Everything feels distant and just numb. I wish it would all be over soon. Too much drama isn't good for anyone. Just when things at school were going great, your personal life really has to be bad. Even in the movie the Devil Wears Prada, one character there said that when our work is good our personal life goes down the drain. So what do you exactly choose? Isn't that a bit too hard to choose from?

I know i don't want my life to be boring and mediocre, so i guess i shouldn't ask for everything to be always right. So as of now, i won't ask for anything. I'll simply live through it. God gives us through certain things so we become better people. I don't think he'd put us through anything we can't take. And as people, i think we are capable of going through anything. We all have the capability of being strong. We just have to simply believe and not lose faith in ourself and God, that is if you believe in God.

Maybe i've been blind for all these years about being me. I should've harnessed the confidence a long time ago. Too bad i'm just human, i got to go through what everyone goes through, namely the time where we close ourselves off to everyone else because we think it's a better way of preserving ourselves. After all, we are just human. We try to survive and try to find the right way to do it. I'm glad i'm out of that phase. Some people really just don't like to share how they feel. I don't understand why. The truth sets us free. Why not be honest? Why do we have to hide who we are and what we think? Isn't it kind of useless? What's the use of hiding oneself if we end up just being more burdened by our own actions. What's the use of living but to share our lives to other people who we love. What else are we here for but to be relational beings?

It's so weird how some people want to keep to themselves so much. I mean a bit is ok cause we all need our space, but hiding every ounce of what we feel adds to the weight of untold heart aches. It creates another us. It changes us through time. We build up a shell and then some how, forget the part that is who we are. Why do we need to be such hermits? It's like the one with the best shell is the most liked one but then when the truth comes out, it's a normal crab. I might not know if i'm still making sense, maybe i am or maybe i'm not, but hiding how we feel isn't a good idea all the time. Hiding who we are makes it all the worse.

I've been so tired of all these thoughts. I wish i was more ignorant, or maybe naive is the better word. But i guess we can't help growing up. It's such a pain and joy to grow up. ugh.

I'm tired. Physically only though. I need some rest. Maybe a few hours would do. I wish life would be better in the future. I think it will be. I made a new motto. Instead of proving others wrong, i'm going to focus more on proving myself right. :)

Nigel, i love you. I really want to work things out. But please, know your priorities. Education, family, and friends come before gaming. I wish i could come before gaming. Gah. I really want you to be my future. So let's work on each other. I love you so much.

This is all for now. I am drained.

~living life in love <3 -Talia-~

Self evaluation

School has started and i'm pumped up. I love my new class...but i miss the old one a lot. I used to say last year that i didn't like my class cause it seemed like they hated me. I felt invisible or rejected. It's like i wasn't a part of the class anymore. I used to just look forward to recess and lunch so that i can go to my friends. I was an outcast. Just like how it was in second year. But i don't know now why i miss 3-10 so much. It's actually the class i hold dearest to me out of all my room 10 classes. I also hold 1-10 dear to me because that's where i met my real friends. Too bad i never got to be classmates with any of them again :\. I feel sad about that. And two of my closest friends are now abroad and it kind of breaks my heart to know i won't see them in a long time. At least Sandra is coming back here. I hope she studies here for college and that her mom understands her.

I've been trying to study. I actually feel good about it that i study now. I want to be better in class. This is the first time i've tried to actually really study and do my HWs at home or in school before i go home. I feel responsible and somewhat fulfilled. I've never done this is in my life. I have never been so organized and happy about school. I like this year. I love this year. I miss my teachers from last year, namingly Ms. Aligada, Sir Bunag, Ms. Camacho, Sir Virtudez (even though he really sucked at teaching chem, he was one of the best teachers), Ms. Zuela, and i guess i really do miss everyone. I can't get over last year but i really love this year. I'm torn. I'm doing advanced reading now and doing HWs diligently and i'm trying to not procrastinate. I want to be an academic awardy this year. I want to receive various awards when i graduate from St. Paul. I'm going to behave this year and be studious, believe it or not. I don't want to just pass, i want to achieve great things. I understand now the importance of school. It's more about how to live and to understand how things are, not the grades and the actual knowledge of it all. It's self evaluation and self discovery of who we are and what we want in life. It's living.

I like my teachers this year too. I'm happy. I'm really happy. But since things are going well in school, my personal life is kind of dwindling in the middle. Nige and i have been having arguments for the past months. It's kind of serious. But i hope we can really work it out. We have been working it out. And just yesterday, his mom talked to him about something that could really jeopardize our relationship and everything we have. I guess, we'll have to really work something out. But our relationship isn't really in a big danger, we just have to fix things.

I'm trying to be responsible. I want to graduate with flying colors so bad. I want to pass the UPCAT and ACET partly for my pride and for what i want in life. Those are the only two tests i am taking. It might look that i'm a show off, but those are the only two schools that really have what i want. UP has the best curriculum for music while Ateneo holds a very good reputation. I'm also thinking about trying out for CSB because of their facilities, but that's just about it. So i'm not yet sure about that one. I honestly want to try out for julliards. I'm confident that my skills can pass julliards. If it wasn't for the oh so big tuition, i would try out with confidence. I wish i could. Maybe i should.

I think this year is about gaining my confidence. I'm trying really hard with everything i've got, to be a better person, holistically.

Oh yeah, there is this english teacher in my batch that i loathe. I know i may be too harsh, but i seriously do not respect teachers who cannot teach their subject in good grammar, ESPECIALLY IF IT IS ENGLISH. I cannot even comprehend how such a teacher would be accepted to teach english out of all subjects :|. I hate it when that happens.

Well, i'm actually looking forward to school now. I think i can do good this year :). I know i will do better this year. And next year, i want to be a freshman of UP. Gonna make this year a good one ;).

~living life in love <3-Talia-~

i'm back :)

I came home today from Boracay. It was a good trip and it was relaxing. The beach was very nice and we stayed at a good place where there was no "lumot" (sea plant thingies) and the sea was as clear as a clean swimming pool. But i have this really weird phobia with fish. Don't get me wrong, i love fish and watching them swim so gracefully, i actually have this fantasy of being a mermaid. The thing is, i'm afraid of being touched by those cute fish. I scream at the site of them when they're very near. I hate it. I don't know why, i just have this thing about slimy things even though slime doesn't bother me much. Howcome fish bother me so much? This is a question i have never answered and i'm still trying to find out. I remember now one way to find out why we fear things. Last year, when i was still in third year, my history teacher, Sir Bunag, made us do this meditation exercise. If we weren't concentrated, then nothing would come out of it, according to him. He let us be in a relaxed state, like we were floating. Yes i got to that part, but things kind of lead me to another course, and thus i was distracted. I tried to get back on track, but then all i kept seeing in my head was a beautiful vineyard and i think i was in france. I felt like i was a rich aristocrat and that i had everything, well almost, that i wanted in this world. But i was lonely. I had no one with me. I owned all, but had no one to share it with. Kind of sad right? And then the thought of me being afraid of loneliness came up to me after Sir Bunag explained to us that that vision was a sort of past life. Our fears came from that past life. And i started thinking, maybe he is right. And now, maybe i can find out about my fear of being touched by fish by doing that again, but problem is, i have no one to guide me to get into that state once again and i have forgotten how our teacher did it. I really want to find out why i fear fish so much cause it's starting to weird me out. I don't get it, really.

Anyway, enough about that. I just want to get back to gym. I haven't been in gym for a whole week and i'm really looking forward to it. Doing gym makes me feel fulfilled and happy. I guess it's the endorphines kicking in haha. And i'm also going to try to study well for my entrance exams. I do want to pass the UPCAT and ACET. If i pass both, then i'd be very VERY VERY HAPPY. It's my dream to go to UP and to pass the ACET. Going to UP is the most important to me out of all my choices. I want to learn music and be better at it. I want to be the best and i want to be regarded as the best, if not the best, at least one of the bests. Passing the ACET is just for my self-esteem. I know it's pretty low of me to want that for the sake of my own ego, but i want to prove to myself that i am capable of doing what i want. I guess this part of me is somehow the egoistic part.

I really want to fulfill my dream of being a musician. I want to be famous around the business (even if not the public audience) so that i may be a sought after musician. I want be someone who is worth to be called great. I know that my dream is a bit far fetched but i believe i can do it. Somewhere in my head there is doubt, but i can't let myself believe in such doubts if i really do want to make it into the real world from my dream world. I hope that i can really make it through and i hope that i won't have to or need to give up this future. I love music and it's the only thing i see myself happily doing in the future.

Oh yeah, in Boracay, i met new friends. I even named them myself haha. These friends were all dogs. I am such an addict when it comes to dogs. We fed them everynight we were there, well the other one was fed well so no need to feed him. We were closer to the other one. I named him Bucci. He was so sweet and cute and all. I honestly wanted to take him, and if i did, he would be the 2nd dog from Boracay that we would've taken home haha. The two dogs were guards at the place so they were owned and were not strays. The other one was a bit grumpy and we call him Manager (since he's the manager's dog) but i personally called him Pocca. Wow, the names i come up with for dogs haha. I had a blast with them and they were always following us around until they were on the job or if they wanted to play with the other dogs. I was attatched to Bucci and i even bought him a leash because he had a rough rope entangling him when i first met him. I gave him that so he would have a comfortable one if he needed it. I honestly miss the dogs since i spent my nice windy cool nights with them everyday. I would be with them for about an hour, just patting them and running my hand through their back. They loved it. It was like they were never showed such in their life which is sad. I hope to see them again soon. We also visited a Golden Retriever from a friend who owns a resort and hotel. We met him again after two years and it was such a sweet reunion. River, the retriever, came running to us when we called him. It seems that he hasn't forgotten all that time when i'd always rub his belly and just spend time playing with him. And now he has a wife named Goldie/Goldy (not sure how to spell it) and she was very friendly to us.

Enough about dogs for now haha. Thinking about senior year, i'm kind of excited. I'm excited cause i know this time, i will be one of those students who will receive an award for academic excellence. I know i am capable of it. I'm going to make this a year to remember. I'm also going to slim down this year. Along with my new hair-do, i have a new resolution haha. I got the haircut just after we got back from Boracay. After, had an amazing time with Nigel. I hope you have a safe trip tomorrow. I will pray greatly for your safe flight going there and coming back here.

I am really tired right now so this will be all for now. This is gonna be a great school year :D. I'm gonna make it one.

~living life in love <3 -Talia-~

happyness. just to get things of my chest.

I haven't written in a long time. I guess i'm a bit lazy but it's more of not being able to write anything. I keep wondering, what if my life was like life in the movies, tv shows, or even anime. Wouldn't that be cool? I mean, to have so many adventures and to always feel so alive is what i really want. And things catch up with me, thoughts of fear of being boring and just plainly mediocre. It's a sad thought that keeps catching up with me. As i have said, i will not settle for mediocrity.

In a few days, Nigel and i have will have been together for 1 year and 3 months. Wow, how time passes by so fast and slow at the same time. It's been one hell of a ride with Nige, but i'm glad to say that i don't regret anything we've been through. I just get so scared of thinking how it might end, if it would end, and if things just become so dull between us. But i guess i'm not so scared cause somehow i know that it would never be dull between the two of us. The fear just keeps seeping in and it's trying to wash out everything else that's good but i will not let fear get the best of me. Not anymore at least.

I wish the trip to Anvaya still comes through on a saturday. And i'm also excited to get my student permit :D. I can drive by friday yay! I wish i can have my own car soon, supposedly courtesy of my dad, but i haven't heard any news from him since like last month. I want to drive already and be free. I want to be free but of course i will always remember my responsibilities and limits.

And i wish that school wasn't so near yet and that at the same time it starts already so that i can just get it done with. I want to finish high school already and finish it with awards so that my mom and i have something to be proud of, that i am worth something. I want to do my best this time to the best of my abilities because i know i am one of those people who can achieve what they really want. I know i am capable of being the best. I won't compare myself to others anymore. I will graduate one of the best students in St. Paul holding my head up high.

Anyway, i'm really tired and sick :\. I hate being sick except on school days. I know i have to lose that attitude of being so lazy. It's just that i really find school so useless. I know some people would call me crazy for saying that for education is the most important thing we hold in this world, but i don't share that opinion, or rather fact. I don't get what school can do for me. I'm persuing music and i have no idea what i need chemistry for. I just don't get it. I wish that i focused on music alone so that at least i would be really good at it by now. I hope i still get somewhere in the future because in it's own way, the future haunts me a lot more than i realized it really did. I'm scared to be stuck in reverse and to be plain and normal. I don't want to be mediocre. I want to do what i want. And i hope that my determination and hope do not fail me. I don't wish life was easier, i just wish that i don't lose myself in stupidity or mediocrity. I don't want to lose myself, period. I want to be happy and even if it would make me go through shit that never fails to catch up with us, i'm willing to get hurt and fall just to get to stand up and say that i'm happy and that i have no regrets. I'm not going to say i'm not going to be scared anymore, but rather say that i accept my fears and take them with me but not let them be me. I won't lose hope anymore, and i will be full of courage. No more fragile little girl. I'm going to grow up now. I'm going to be happy.

~living life in love <3 -Talia-~

powerless and no-win scenarios

I've been thinking lately about how powerless i really am. How powerless i am to help people in need. How powerless i am to help the people i love most. How powerless i am to make those around me happy. How powerless i am to save things that i love. I feel so powerless. Even in arguments, i feel powerless, like i have no say in things or that i can't do anything but accept it even though it hurts. I feel as if i've been stripped of having choices, plainly powerless.

I watched Star Trek a few days ago, and something that happened to Spock left me speechless. A man who lost most of what was dear to him couldn't do anything because he was powerless. Some things are just beyond our control. They say "there's always a choice" but is that really true? What if there's no other choice? What if we can't do anything and it's a so called no-win scenario? This is where the difference of being powerless and believing in having choices coincide. Are we really powerless at times? Even if we cannot control the situation, is there nothing more we can do?

Maybe sometimes there is, and sometimes there isn't. I just have to not believe in no-win scenarios just as Captain James Tiberius Kirk has influenced Mr. Spock that there's always a choice, there's always a way to win. Unless it's dealing with death i guess. But i'd rather go on my whole life believing that there will always be a choice and that we always have a way if we have the will. We can do what we want. I ain't giving up just yet on anything i love or want. I'm going to soar high and be more than i can be.

Whatever people say, i've decided to never lose hope and to do all that i can do. I will not be powerless but neither will i try to control everything. I will simply do whatever i can to the best of my abilities and not give up. I will win, and if ever i lose, then i will try and try again. I won't give up that easily :).

~living life in love <3-Talia-~

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANDRE VALENCIA!! :D

Today, we celebrated a very important day. Andre Valencia's 17th birthday :D

We went karaoke-ing again and HAD SO MUCH FUN :D. We sang like crazy, my voice cracked :| :)). Drei's did too =)). Drei, this is your special blog entry and your birthday gift for now (i still owe you one).

Drei is not your average pimp. He's the "Pimp Cool Daddy McSmooth" pimp. KEDDENG :D. This guy is one hell of a funny guy. He's the life of the party. But at the same time, he's a really nice guy. There's so much more than what meets the eye if you get to know him well. Currently, he's married to two people, Wife one: Micky Martinez; Wife two: Miggy Valdez; but don't forget, he also has a mistress named Anton Neric. Yes, ALL MEN =)). These group of insanely ingenious, smart, funny guys are the type of people you'd love to hang out with. They're the people who bring the life to any kind of occasion. And at the same time, they're the type of friends who you'd really be thankful for. I cherrish Drei, and all of the bros as well. You guys are all family to me. And Drei, on this special day, I hope you are happy :). And that your wishes and our wishes for you come true. Never lose hope or faith and never think low of yourself, for you are a great person. You are a great friend and brother and best friend. So never think so low of yourself for many think highly of you. Don't limit yourself for you can achieve great things. And remember, you are more than you think you are. Be more confident :). People would love you for who you are as i do. I love you bro :D HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! >:D<

To Drei. Best wishes on your birthday. Always take care and God bless. Always believe in the Lord and you will be fine. I'm always here for you so don't have any second thoughts about coming to me when you need anything. I'm always here for you. Labshooooo MWAHUGS :P


~living life in love <3-Talia-~

cleaned out my closet

Technically, i've cleaned out my closet. I've cleaned my room, which is unbelievable. It's not really something i like doing. It's also something i rarely do, for example, when my mom threatens me of restraint from going out, that's when i clean it. But cleaning my room helped me. It helped me think of what i should do and of who i should be. I should be me. DUH, but even if it is a big duh, a lot of people still have a hard time of being themselves. It's weird, that sometimes, the hardest thing to do is be ourselves. Why is that so? Maybe we think to much of what other people think of us. It's about all those so called "reputation" that we have to live up to. Why do we fall into the trap of having to be someone else but us? What's wrong with being who we are?

Of course it is important that others think of who we are as good reputable people. But that's not what living life is. Of course we have to stay decent, but it's also important to be ourselves. It's not good to pretend.

After cleaning out my closet, I decided to replace and to throw away a few things. It may have been hard, but things have to change and change has to be accepted or denied. I accepted mine. I threw out my being unreasonable, especially when it comes to things i want. I threw out the part of me who's hard headed. I threw out the irresponsible part of me as well. I threw out the part of me who has been hiding, no more hiding, i want to be me. No more trying to be who i'm not. I'm done with that.

I will change and continue this change. I have to be more mature and i can't stay a small fragile child anymore. I'm growing up. I'm going to grow up with the people i love most. I'm going to make them feel proud of me. And all those who look down at me, will be sorry. I know i'm just saying this right now, and words are nothing compared to actions. But i promise, to the people i love, to God, and most importantly, myself, that i will be a better person. I will fulfill these things that i have said. And i will also learn to save more from now on. I will also work out more in gym and have a good and healthy diet so i can become slim and more fit. I'm going to live my life with no regret anymore. I'm going to live my life to the fullest.

~living life in love <3 -Talia-~

something to think about....

Recently, i've been talking to one of my closest best friends, Sandra. She was a dear friend and still is. She's now in the States cause her mom works there. She's like a sister to me like all of my true friends. Anyway, we kept on talking about college. What course she should enter or not. Her mom persists on her taking nursing. Why? because it's more realistic than fashion designing. But it's not fair to not be able to choose what we want. It's not fair to not give all that we've got to something we feel that will make us happy. I know i am a bit of a bad friend to tell her to against her mother's wishes, but i don't want her to be miserable or to regret. I care for my friends and i don't want them to go through something as painful as regret.

Am i wrong for saying this? It is true that it is realistic to take up something that would earn us some money for the future, but what if it won't make us happy? Should we just accept things and regret them? Should we submit to what we call "reality"?

All the people who tell me to be more realistic, i don't quite believe in them. What's wrong with dreaming big? It happens to other people, why can't it happen to anyone else, to us? I know it has nothing to do with luck. And saying that we have to be more realistic, doesn't it mean the same thing that we are succumbing to the mediocrity of this world? It's the same thing. We accept that we can't go further than where we are. But is that really true? The acomodador (mexican term meaning "the giving up point") is getting to us all the time. And thus, regret shows up with unhappiness and deceit.

I know money is important, but money cannot buy us happiness. It can buy us what we need, but what is more important to us? Happiness or materialistic needs and wants? I know people would say that materialistic things are more important. But can one live without happiness? Can one truly achieve what we truly need, what our soul truly needs with just material? Why is it so wrong to go after what we want? Why is it so wrong to try to be happy? Why is it so wrong to try but fail? We all fail at something. But just because we failed for one time doesn't mean it's the end of it all. The acomodador just comes and takes us away from our happiness. We should never lose hope. Dreaming is better than being realistic. If we were all realistic, would this world still ever be the same? Would America have a black president right now if it was not for the ideals of Abraham Lincoln? Why do people find it so bad to try for what they really want? Because of money and poverty? Isn't it our fault how things turn out for us? "If we don't give up, would we really achieve our goal?" this is the question that leads us nearer to the acomodador. How would we know if we don't keep trying? I really think that we should do what we want, what we believe would make us happy and have no regret.

College is coming up and for a time, i felt like i wasn't going to make into music. But i've changed that thought. I now believe that i can do it. I will not succumb to reality nor to the acomodador. I will not succumb to anything that stands in my way. I will not give up for my happiness is the price i must pay if i give everything up.

May it be in relationships or careers, i will never give up. "Reality" is the only word that stands between us and what we want. And if we get past this haunting and fearful thought, i know we can achieve what we want. Everyone has his or her day, so let's not give this day up. Let's not give happiness up for happiness is the only thing we all look for in this life time. Let's all do our best with all we've got and never look back. Let us be free from this mediocrity and this "reality" as we call it.

Sandra, I am looking forward to your coming back here on June 14. I hope that your mom agrees to what you want. And as to all my friends, i hope you can achieve true happiness as well.

Anyway, apart from this, today was a happy day once again. I spent the day with Nigel and had so much fun. Although being not able to swim was a bit of a letdown but it's all good. We also walked Rowdy in Bonifacio High Street and got ice cream (coldrock is really expensive :|). Anyway, thanks for this great day Nige, i'm glad we did something different this time :).

~living life in love <3 -Talia-~

Singing all night long

Karaoke night was so much fun :D I wanna do it again but next time we gotta be all there. I actually already miss Kev :| we haven't seen him for such a long time and i hope he gets better soon. OMG i just realized how bangag i was last night T_T. My blog was like adfaskjl;lkasdjflaksjd =)). I really was a scatter-brain last night gahd :|. Well i'm fine now and i think i can write better now haha. GAHHHH i wanna go out. I wanna watch 17 again tom! of course with my Nige-y-kins with me :>. I love youuuuuuuuuuu!!! For some reason i feel really hyper right now considering that i gotta go to school tomorrow for choir practice at like 8 in the morning :)). Good luck to me for that. I would like to also correct my mistakes from the previous blog but nahhh, I'm too lazy to do that shit. Besides, i already explained why it was like that in the first place =)).

Had so much fun todayyyy!! :D and celine and jake made up....FINALLY. Gah i'm laughing at things i shouldn't be laughing at :)). Must go to sleep soon too. Oh yeah, I'm reading a new book now but i haven't started on it. It's an old book but it's a good one according to everyone who's read it and according to all the critics. It's also by Paulo Coelho and it's entitled The Alchemist.

Don't you just find the word alchemy, or anything that has to do anything with it, interesting? I've always had an eye for enigmatic things. Makes me curious that it hurts my head thinking about something so much.

I feel bored and all that right now. I want my friends to be with me right now. I want my honey-bunny (omg never thought i'd use that...i really am hyper -.-) to be with me right now. I MISSS YOUUUUU.

Oh yeah, we also had an UPCAT simulation test and my brain asdgjha;fj;asoidjf after the test :)). Hope i pass it though haha. I feel so happy today and i dont know why. I guess it's cause i forgot my personal history which was something that was limiting me to pursue true happiness. I won't worry about that anymore like i used to. The Zahir taught me so much and now it's taking me to my path of happiness (at least i think it is). Ok, i just realized that from a laughable blog it suddenly became serious. Anyway, from now on, i want to know true freedom. Freedom of being the person we really want to be. I will not lose to the "acomodador" (according to the book, the acomodador came from a Mexican book and it is called the "giving up point"). The acomodador is the only thing that stands between us to fulfill our freedom and happiness, and the point where we say the words "I could've done that anytime I wanted to." but then never really doing it. And then deep down, we have this sadness but then we say that we should just take in everything that is here now. But why do that when you can just go and fulfill what would make us happy? Human beings are so stupid sometimes. I myself can be stupid. But it's true that people should have the word "stupid" imprinted on their identification cards so that we'd be able to separate the stupid from the so-called smart ones. But the world would be in a standstill if there were no stupid people.

I've decided to not give in to the acomodador. I will do everything i want to because as they say, "if there is will power, there is a way." People who say that they couldn't get what they want just cause they chose not to are the type who have a certain sadness that they will never be able to get rid of until they do what they really want to. I will not submit to mediocrity. I will be someone who is able to say, "I am happy", who gives substantial and true meaning to those words. I will pursue my volitions and make sure that i fulfill them. I will not succumb to being unhappy.

Today is a happy day. I will never forget this karaoke night. I will be happy from now on and be free; free from regrets, free from the acomodador, free from low self-esteem, free from my personal history, and free from my unhappiness. I will be happy. I know i can. I know i will succeed for i am a bright person who knows right from wrong. And i know that God and all who i love and love me are by my side.


~living life in love <3 -Talia-~

Being me.

I wasn't able to make a blog yesterday night because i didn't feel like it. I was tired and was in the mood to do something else. I was at Liza's yesterday with Chan and Drei too and i had lots of fun. It just made me realize how much i missed hanging out with them and just talking. I wish and hope that we can do this more often. I'm excited to take driving lessons with Liza too since we'll be allowed to drive on our own soon :D.

I think i'm going to hell for making fun of how the children at liza's house. They were singing not stop. The song even stuck to me for a night. Liza, i'm totally understand how you feel. We will take you out more often from now on haha. But i gotta be honest, it's not the best voice ensemble in the world.

I finally finished the book today while we were having dinner at my resto. The book was good. Infact, it was great. Everything you can learn from life (well most of it) is there. Realizations just came one after another.

I have so many random thought popping out that i can't even write about anything in particular. It's made me feel tumultuous.

I'm excited too, for the karaoke night tomorrow rather today since it's 1 in the morning. I wish i could hang out with my friends more. I really miss the bonding time.

There's this thought in my head...i can't get it out. I just feel so insecure most of the time. But not anymore. I'm confident now. I know that i don't have to match up to other people and that i have something that they don't have. I'm me and i should be proud of it. No more trying to be somebody else or whatever. I'll be confident on who i am.

I am such a scatter-brain right now :|. I should just continue writing tomorrow.

The Zahir and my Zahir

There is this book written by my favorite author, Paulo Coelho, entitled The Zahir. It's a novel about obsession, love and losing and finding oneself. It's also about freedom and happiness that is defined through something called love. I just started yesterday at midnight and i couldn't drop the book. I slept around 4am just cause i kept reading and got half way through the book already.

The Zahir, like stated in the book, is a word that was used for many objects and things that it has several definitions. But the thing is...the Zahir becomes an object of obsession, at least for the narrator. And then i realized something, could i have my own Zahir? The book has given me so much to think about...what love means...what freedom means...what happiness really is. I've talked to many people, read what many people write and listen to what many people say. But none have answered these simple questions but it's funny that the book seemed to give me all the answers. It's funny how some mature people are still kind of wrong even though they're the ones who are older and have gone through a lot of experiences. I guess you never really know until you've lived your life through things not a lot of people go through.

I was contemplating on so much that my head felt like it was going to burst. I didn't know the answers and i didn't know how to find them either. But then something came to me. Maybe, there really is the right time for everything. We may find it in the end or not, but it all comes in the right time. Things are meant to go certain ways but the irony of this is that we choose our own destiny. So what is it really? Maybe it's a bit of both. It's really mind boggling and i guess we're just not meant to find out for now.

The book tackles so many questions that it gets you thinking so much that you just get more confused but then after just calming down and not thinking about everything, it's so strange that i find the answers to the questions that i was oblivious to at first. Then everything just came rushing out. I knew what it meant to live now. Not being afraid of anything but fear itself. Not fearing God but rather respecting Him and loving him. Love is suppose to be without fear but rather respect. It is the main essence of love, to respect ones significant other. This is what i also learned in the book.

I looked deep within me and realized something. My Zahir was my loved one. My Zahir was Nigel. I was too deep into it that i was obsessed with the relationship. I was so obsessed with Nigel. And like the narrator of the book, i divulged myself in it and made it my every reason for everything. I forgot the true meaning of what it is to be happy with him and for some time, felt distant and away. Then after reading, i finally figured it out. I had to repudiate him from my obsession and instead just love him as i used to. Love him as a free person and let him be free to do what he wants. I now understand that being free is what gives us the full potential to love a person with all we have. The freedom will give us the key to learning how to love genuinely. I learned this all by reading a book of obsession. And maybe i will learn more as i read more of it until i finish. Many thoughts are still running around in my head but as of now i can't answer them all. I just want to love freely and truly. I want to be free of my Zahir. And i am now able to free myself because i love, because i learned and still learn. I saw my answer and it freed me of my doubts and fears. I am a free woman. I love Nigel and and from now on will try to spread it to as many people as i can. And to continue this journey of life, I commit myself to love and to God. Others may find this unreasonable, but this is what life is about, loving and being loved. We were created out of love, we journey in love, and we perish in the end still in love.



~living life in love <3 -Talia-~

A year and two months of being with you...

A year and two months have passed wherein i've either laughed non-stop or cried non-stop. A year and two months went by and i regret nothing. I have never been so happy and honest in my life. I thought someone would never accept me for who i am but being with you has proven me wrong and staying with you has given me hope for the things i want in life.

You are my best friend and the person just for me, as i'd like to call you. I remember that years ago, out of loneliness, i'd write songs, poems, love letters and all that to someone imaginary. It made me feel like i was in love, but i had no one to love, rather, i had no one who loved me so. The feelings i wrote down on scratch paper were feelings i have never felt but wanted to feel. And now that all those scratch papers are gone, i now write genuine feelings on clean paper for someone i now share my life with, for someone i have those feelings i've once dreamt to have. All i've ever wanted was to learn to love and to be loved in return. It was a dream that i thought was distant. I've never fallen in love with someone as much as Nigel had me do so. Even my love for him surpassed that of someone i had fallen in love with in the past. I don't regret choosing Nigel and i don't think i ever will. I am happy beyond all reason, and nothing can break this apart, i refuse anything to break this apart. I will protect it with the all the love and care i have until there is none left to give. I hope this relationship never ends and that our love remain true and sincere all the days of our lives. I love you Nigel, happy monthsary :)

i hope for many more happy years to come for the two of us always laughing and loving...I LOVE YOU HONEY :)

~living life in love <3 -Talia-~

my first blog...can't believe i'm doing this...haha

hi, this is my first time blogging haha...it's quite ironic since i once thought of blogging as something that wastes time but i think my opinion about this has changed now. I guess i'm doing this partly because i feel like it and liza kinda sparked this thing in me that makes me want to write in blogs after i saw her blogs. I guess, i felt less insecure about saying how i feel and what i really think. So here goes nothing...

Lately, things have been...boring. i've been thinking about a lot of things...my friends...my relationship...my life...what's going to happen...and i'm a bit confused at what i really want. I guess i just want to be happy like everyone does...but i really don't want to live a normal life. I'm not saying this against anyone but normal is just a little boring for me. I want my life to be unique. I want it to be a life worth living. I don't want to end up being stuck at some office in a random bank and do paperwork...or be stuck at a call office answering endless calls day by day. I want adventure and spontaneity. I don't want to be someone called as mediocre. I know people say, you'd be lucky enough to get a job but i don't believe in that. I believe in pursuing what one wants and what would make one happy. I know people would criticize me for thinking this way since life is supposedly "hard" nowadays and careers that include talents like music, drawing, dancing, and stuff like that are hard to make a living out off. Am i wrong for saying dreaming big isn't such a bad thing? And that pursuing these things can be the best decision that you may make in your entire life? Maybe it is...maybe it isn't, but how would you know for sure until you try it? Like they say, "we only live once."

Going to another topic...I miss Nigel...a lot. But i don't mean it in a sense where i miss him and want him to be here. Of course some part of me does want him to be here, but what i really miss is just having fun with him and doing new things with him. I think this happens to relationships where it gets to a point where things just stop moving and i'm beginning to believe that we are on the edge of a cliff that'll bring us down to that point. I just wish things don't get to the point where the relationship becomes dull. This doesn't mean that i'm unhappy for i am very happy to have such a loving man beside me even though he knows both my strengths and weaknesses. I'm happy for a lot of reasons and most of those reasons are because i have him. He makes me the happiest and i hope i give him the same feeling he gives me. I know that sometimes i'm not really the best person to be with...but there are times that i can be the best person to be with...i guess everyone has those times. But i just really want to make him happy more than anything. He's my bestfriend and my boyfriend/partner/significant other/soulmate or whatever people want to call it and i couldn't ask anything more from him. I've been thinking a lot about what our future would be, how long we can keep us working. I believe that we will make it because we love each other and that's all one really needs in a relationship, the love that is enough to keep someone become the best he/she can be. So it ain't true that "love isn't enough" because i think it is since it is the drive to doing everything we do, the reason to what we do and who we are. Nigel Christopher O. Villanueva, I love you very much and i will keep supporting you as long as i can. I will be by your side and make things work the way we want them to for us. I will be here for you, to love you and cherrish you as long as God allows me so.

~living life in love <3 -Talia-~