Sick -_-'

Although I would love to skip school, but I don't want to miss anything. I don't want to go back to my 2nd year or 3rd year days where I was a lazy good for nothing bum. I made heart break as an excuse. I forgot that life goes on. I want to be better now. I really do. I just feel like I won't make it. The breakdown I had last night isn't over like i thought it was. I guess I have to accept the fact that I'm really scared. I think the reason why I'm sick is cause I let it get to me so much. It's weird since I should've already been sick when my cough started, but it just started the day after. It just gets harder that I also have my monthly visit from a female's worst nightmare. I hate it that it has to be every month and it hurts so bad T_T.

Well, I hope I get well soon. I also partly want to get my license tomorrow. I hope the latest it'll get to me would be on wednesday. I miss Nige. His mom doesn't want to allow him to use the phone or his cellphone. I guess she really wants him to get well. I need him though...I need someone. Lately, I've been keeping things to myself again. I don't know why. It's just happening. I feel as if everything's just so far away from my reach. I feel lost. What's happening to me? Just when everything is going well, or so I thought it was, it feels as if I'm losing grip of everything. Is it just in my head? I don't get it anymore. I don't understand what's going on with me. I used to always think that maybe I was mature, maybe I'm really not. I know a lot of things, but maybe it's still not enough. Everything of me isn't enough. I feel sad and lonely. Why do I feel this way?

I want to someone to help me. But how would people understand something in me that I myself don't understand? How am I to be understood? I wonder if a psychologist could crack the code or something. I want to find out what's making me so lost. I feel like I just want to be in a stand-still. I dont want time to move just for a while. I wish it could stop for me. But alas, time stops for no one. I wish time would be more considerate, or is it just that we don't know how to use it. Who knows, maybe one day, I'll find a way to stop time. I just feel so confused. So many feelings and thoughts boggled up inside my head. Someone help me. Someone find me. Is anyone even there?...

~living life in love <3 -Talia-~

Scared...

Im honestly scared of the future right now. I keep thinking about college. I am terrified of the college entrance exams. I am scared of what's going to happen. I don't know if I can make it or not. I mean, there is a part of me that knows I can, but the other part doubts it. I don't want to lose my confidence and I'm trying so hard of not losing it. I keep thinking about what would happen if I don't pass. Maybe I shouldn't be so negative. It might bring out something bad in me. I don't want to doubt myself anymore.

I'm thinking of really studying this time. I want to really study and prove all the people who look down at me wrong. I want to show them that I am more than the person they think I am. I want to prove myself that I can go the distance. I'm going to work really hard for this.

I'm just scared of how fragile everything is and how dreams can go down the drain so fast without us even noticing how it falls apart in the first place. As much as I wish for everything to go smooth, things always sort of don't go the way they were planned. It feels scary to face this future head on. Sometimes, it feels better to just lock myself away and hide.

The fact that I'm only taking 3 college entrance exams is also kind of making me rethink of how many i should take. Everyone is taking like 4 or more except for me. Everyone says it's better to have more options. But I say it's a waste of effort and time. It makes me wonder if I may be wrong with my choice. I am confident about my decision, but the doubts and fears keep popping out of my head. It's getting to me. I can't let it get any further deeper into my head.

I have to believe in myself. I've got to. There's no turning back. My decisions are final for me. I hope that these decisions will lead me to a good future. All I can do now, is do my best and hope and pray to God that I pass the tests. I really want this. I want to get into UP and if I really want music my whole life, I'll go all the way to Boston to go to Berklee.

I really want the life I've decided for myself. I'm just scared to actually pursue it. Life is one big risk. I don't want mediocrity. I don't want to always stay on the safe side. But I'm really scared. I'm having a breakdown and I can't talk to anyone. Why does it have to be at this time...why do I have to feel like this in the middle of the night? Nige can't even talk to me since he's sick. His mom got mad at me for calling him so late even if he was sick. It was my mistake to call...I feel so selfish for needing him right now...I'm in the wrong...but don't get me wrong, I'd be there for him no matter what even if I was dying...so now who do I run to? What am I supposed to do? I'm so lost...someone help me please...I don't know what's wrong with me...what am I supposed to do?

I feel so helpless...I feel so pathetic. I can't even handle myself. I can't even comfort myself. I feel so scared...I'm scared to death...Someone please tell me what to do...how do I get over this alone? I don't want to be alone again. I don't want that anymore. I don't want to cry alone anymore. Why am I so scared? I've never felt so scared of anything like this before...good thing Nissy's here...I don't know what I'd do without her...and at least Nige called just to say that he was going to sleep and talk to me tomorrow. I just feel lonely...I haven't felt like this for the longest time...

I want to stop crying...I wish I could just stop...why isn't it stopping? Maybe I've been keeping this fear in for so long that it's just too much to keep it in. I guess it overflowed and just got to me. I'm a bit calmer now...blogs do help...and friends too...I wish Nige was here...I'm sorry for this ridiculous breakdown of mine. Maybe just once in a while, a person has to release everything. I just feel stressed and pressured by everything. I feel like I'm going to lose everything or get stuck in reverse and get no where. I'm so afraid of nothingness...I hope this feeling would fade soon. Watching Babel is calming me down. Nissy said to watch a happy movie, but I guess this is the bittersweet type of movie...I feel tired...

~living life in love <3 -Talia-~