fulfilled

I feel stressed, tired and fulfilled. It's weird that i feel all those at the same time. I guess i know that i'm working my ass off and actually seeing it kind pay off. I've got my confidence back and i'm going to turn my world around and make this a happy last school year. I ain't letting anyone rain on my parade this time.

I'm happy and i'm not going to lose this for quite some time. I've decided on what i want to do. Although i'm still a bit scared of what the future might bring, but i know i can be great. I don't want to lose this confidence anymore. I know i need to be strong even though some people don't like the decision i've made. I just have to keep my confidence and hold my head up high. I'm just gonna do the best that i can and show myself that i can be great. This is my resolve. It may be too late for me to get good recommendations for college since i messed up the last two years of my high school life, but like they say, it's never too late to change.

I'm seriously thinking about not taking the ACET. It's true that i don't need any course there. It would be a waste of time to take it and the effort of studying would maybe just make things worse. But i do want to take it just for the reason that i want to pass it. So now i'm thinking about whether to take it or not. I'm also going to apply for CSB i think. I'm seriously thinking about it. It's an option. But the thing i'm really thinking about is if i am planning to submit an application for Berklee now. I can do that in the future, but i don't want to waste a lot of time just studying. But i guess i can study and do what i want at the same time. It's just a matter of hard work and heart. I can work on that. I also have this thing of wanting to act. I can act, i know i can. People don't seem to know that though. And maybe, one day, i can be able to participate in great broadway shows. Haha what a silly and cool dream. Although i know that i have the potential to reach that if i keep trying.

I actually love school now. I never thought i could achieve what i am achieving today. I've let too many people put me down. I've compared myself too much to others. And when i learned to just see myself, i started to do good. I will make this year the best year yet. I wish i could've done that last year for i dearly loved my class last year. It was just my second year slump that made me feel down the whole time. And even if i am alone, or feel alone, i can't let that make me feel like giving up. It's weak of me to actually succumb to that. I hate myself for fearing loneliness. But from now on, i know i'm not alone. I have great friends. They're always there. And i have Nigel too. I hope this happiness isn't a temporary one. Of course there will be ups and downs, but i wish it would stay a little longer this time.

~living life in love <3 -Talia-~

liking school.

Ok, i hope no one gets offended by the things that are going to be stated in this blog. This is freedom of speech that i am exercising haha.

Senior year is not my best year, but i love it. Holistically, this year is my ideal class. Friends are more of co-workers, and everyone enjoys themselves at the same time. But third year was my best and partly worst year. I'm surprised to say that i love this school year. I think it's kind of too late to like it now. I should've liked it when i was in third year so i could've done well. It's so ironic how i like school. Last year, i was always trying to find ways to not go to school cause i hated it. I guess it was because of my second year. Second year was torture to me. But there are things that made me happy that year, but only outside of school. School really sucked in second year.

This year is like a new start for me. I figured out so many things i wished i figured out last year. I have friends this year who don't look down on me. I'm happy that my relationship with them is going well. Last year, i felt so alone even though at the same time, people welcomed me. I guess i wasn't as close to everyone as they were close to each other. I wasn't the close friend. I guess i felt bad about that. Other people just seemed to not like me for i don't know what reason. They could've told me. I would've rather they told me than what they did, which was hiding it from me. I really felt like an outcast. But now, since we're not classmates, i feel like i'm still a part of the unforgettable three-ten. Third year could be considered my best and partly the worst. But nothing could beat how bad second year was.

First year is where i found my true friends. I found my best friends. But i didn't like the class because of certain people. And let me just say, the new students in my class before, they're such snobs now. It's like they don't even know me. Wow, so much for camaraderie.

This class, i like them, but loving this class is another story. The year is just starting out, something bad is bound to happen since i am in this class. Nothing really goes my way. I'm partly always the outcast. Even at my elective, i'm still an outcast. I wish Aliona still went to the Japanese elective with me. But who cares, i love the Japanese culture. I can thrive on my own.

I guess i just don't like being alone. Maybe it's i who causes myself to be further distanced by people. Maybe it's my flaws that i never worked on. I guess maybe, i'm too over-excited that i keep talking about something over and over again. But would that really bother people? I wish i knew what was really wrong with me. I never seem to fit in. I never seem to be the one people want to be close with. I'm not the type of person who's wanted or liked. People never tell me why. People never get dissappointed when i'm not there. People don't invite me to outings. It hurts. It's lonely. It's sad.

I just want to get through high school cause of this. Some people have friends, but my friends seem to be drifting away all the more. I don't know what to do now but to rely on teachers sometimes. Teachers can't help sometimes either, but they make me feel like i belong somewhere. What's wrong with me? I wish someone would answer me. I don't like feeling alone in school anymore. It makes me detest school. It gets me unmotivated and sick of school. It breaks my heart.

I like this year because no one treats me like i'm an outcast. But this year is nothing special because, i actually don't know why. It feels normal. It feels mediocre. It feels hollow. I hope it will become special in due time. After all, the third week of school is just about to start tomorrow.

I am excited for tomorrow to come (meaning monday since it is now 3am in the morning). I'm going to be a certified non-pro driver. That makes me feel fulfilled and happy. I'm also going to try to run for center core in the school's GIFT program. I want to head the instrumentalists' department. Although, my confidence is dwindling because the election is like a popularity contest. I feel that i would lose. And i think this year, there will be a song fest. I want to win or at least have the place that i deserve to have. I don't want the things in second year to happen again. That really broke my heart. It took me two years to get over that. That's the reason i started hating school in the first place. People are so unfair to ruin other people's work. I hate it when people do that.

I can't wait for college too. A clean sleight for everything. A new environment with new friends. I look forward to it. But there is a part of me that doesn't want to grow up. And after college, i plan to teach music in St. Paul. Two of my teachers actually promised me that they would wait for me to get there. One was Ms. Peds (one of my closest teachers) and the second was Sir Virtudez. I hope my other teachers are still there too when i teach there, if i can even teach there in the future. I want to grow up so fast yet i want things to stay the way they are. Sigh. I wish things would get better some how. Even my relationship is some how on the edge right now.

I just realized how much blogging helps me. It takes the burden away even if no one is reading it. The truth really sets us free. I'm tired. I have HW to do tomorrow. I shouldn't have procrastinated the other day. I'm starting to do it again. Ugh. I have to not give in to the temptation of procrastinating. I wish i get my car soon. I want to drive already, badly.

~living life in love <3-Talia-~

tired.

I'm really tired. School is taking up much of my time. But i am partly happy about that. I'm getting used to the fact that i have to take school more seriously or else, i'll have to face a lot of consequences. I miss my class last year. I miss my teachers last year. I miss what i used to have with my boyfriend. I wish he would be more of a best friend nowadays. I don't know what's wrong with me. It's like i'm always not enough. I'm sorry for ranting like this because i just feel exhausted to the point where i don't know how i feel. Balancing school and a relationship is a bit hard. I still try my best to give my time even though i am so busy. I guess i'm the one who's not worthy of his time.

It feels so tiring, the fact that there's so much to do already plus all the drama that's going on. Things are getting harder. Well, life is always getting harder. Everything feels distant and just numb. I wish it would all be over soon. Too much drama isn't good for anyone. Just when things at school were going great, your personal life really has to be bad. Even in the movie the Devil Wears Prada, one character there said that when our work is good our personal life goes down the drain. So what do you exactly choose? Isn't that a bit too hard to choose from?

I know i don't want my life to be boring and mediocre, so i guess i shouldn't ask for everything to be always right. So as of now, i won't ask for anything. I'll simply live through it. God gives us through certain things so we become better people. I don't think he'd put us through anything we can't take. And as people, i think we are capable of going through anything. We all have the capability of being strong. We just have to simply believe and not lose faith in ourself and God, that is if you believe in God.

Maybe i've been blind for all these years about being me. I should've harnessed the confidence a long time ago. Too bad i'm just human, i got to go through what everyone goes through, namely the time where we close ourselves off to everyone else because we think it's a better way of preserving ourselves. After all, we are just human. We try to survive and try to find the right way to do it. I'm glad i'm out of that phase. Some people really just don't like to share how they feel. I don't understand why. The truth sets us free. Why not be honest? Why do we have to hide who we are and what we think? Isn't it kind of useless? What's the use of hiding oneself if we end up just being more burdened by our own actions. What's the use of living but to share our lives to other people who we love. What else are we here for but to be relational beings?

It's so weird how some people want to keep to themselves so much. I mean a bit is ok cause we all need our space, but hiding every ounce of what we feel adds to the weight of untold heart aches. It creates another us. It changes us through time. We build up a shell and then some how, forget the part that is who we are. Why do we need to be such hermits? It's like the one with the best shell is the most liked one but then when the truth comes out, it's a normal crab. I might not know if i'm still making sense, maybe i am or maybe i'm not, but hiding how we feel isn't a good idea all the time. Hiding who we are makes it all the worse.

I've been so tired of all these thoughts. I wish i was more ignorant, or maybe naive is the better word. But i guess we can't help growing up. It's such a pain and joy to grow up. ugh.

I'm tired. Physically only though. I need some rest. Maybe a few hours would do. I wish life would be better in the future. I think it will be. I made a new motto. Instead of proving others wrong, i'm going to focus more on proving myself right. :)

Nigel, i love you. I really want to work things out. But please, know your priorities. Education, family, and friends come before gaming. I wish i could come before gaming. Gah. I really want you to be my future. So let's work on each other. I love you so much.

This is all for now. I am drained.

~living life in love <3 -Talia-~

Self evaluation

School has started and i'm pumped up. I love my new class...but i miss the old one a lot. I used to say last year that i didn't like my class cause it seemed like they hated me. I felt invisible or rejected. It's like i wasn't a part of the class anymore. I used to just look forward to recess and lunch so that i can go to my friends. I was an outcast. Just like how it was in second year. But i don't know now why i miss 3-10 so much. It's actually the class i hold dearest to me out of all my room 10 classes. I also hold 1-10 dear to me because that's where i met my real friends. Too bad i never got to be classmates with any of them again :\. I feel sad about that. And two of my closest friends are now abroad and it kind of breaks my heart to know i won't see them in a long time. At least Sandra is coming back here. I hope she studies here for college and that her mom understands her.

I've been trying to study. I actually feel good about it that i study now. I want to be better in class. This is the first time i've tried to actually really study and do my HWs at home or in school before i go home. I feel responsible and somewhat fulfilled. I've never done this is in my life. I have never been so organized and happy about school. I like this year. I love this year. I miss my teachers from last year, namingly Ms. Aligada, Sir Bunag, Ms. Camacho, Sir Virtudez (even though he really sucked at teaching chem, he was one of the best teachers), Ms. Zuela, and i guess i really do miss everyone. I can't get over last year but i really love this year. I'm torn. I'm doing advanced reading now and doing HWs diligently and i'm trying to not procrastinate. I want to be an academic awardy this year. I want to receive various awards when i graduate from St. Paul. I'm going to behave this year and be studious, believe it or not. I don't want to just pass, i want to achieve great things. I understand now the importance of school. It's more about how to live and to understand how things are, not the grades and the actual knowledge of it all. It's self evaluation and self discovery of who we are and what we want in life. It's living.

I like my teachers this year too. I'm happy. I'm really happy. But since things are going well in school, my personal life is kind of dwindling in the middle. Nige and i have been having arguments for the past months. It's kind of serious. But i hope we can really work it out. We have been working it out. And just yesterday, his mom talked to him about something that could really jeopardize our relationship and everything we have. I guess, we'll have to really work something out. But our relationship isn't really in a big danger, we just have to fix things.

I'm trying to be responsible. I want to graduate with flying colors so bad. I want to pass the UPCAT and ACET partly for my pride and for what i want in life. Those are the only two tests i am taking. It might look that i'm a show off, but those are the only two schools that really have what i want. UP has the best curriculum for music while Ateneo holds a very good reputation. I'm also thinking about trying out for CSB because of their facilities, but that's just about it. So i'm not yet sure about that one. I honestly want to try out for julliards. I'm confident that my skills can pass julliards. If it wasn't for the oh so big tuition, i would try out with confidence. I wish i could. Maybe i should.

I think this year is about gaining my confidence. I'm trying really hard with everything i've got, to be a better person, holistically.

Oh yeah, there is this english teacher in my batch that i loathe. I know i may be too harsh, but i seriously do not respect teachers who cannot teach their subject in good grammar, ESPECIALLY IF IT IS ENGLISH. I cannot even comprehend how such a teacher would be accepted to teach english out of all subjects :|. I hate it when that happens.

Well, i'm actually looking forward to school now. I think i can do good this year :). I know i will do better this year. And next year, i want to be a freshman of UP. Gonna make this year a good one ;).

~living life in love <3-Talia-~