I haven't written in a long time. I guess i'm a bit lazy but it's more of not being able to write anything. I keep wondering, what if my life was like life in the movies, tv shows, or even anime. Wouldn't that be cool? I mean, to have so many adventures and to always feel so alive is what i really want. And things catch up with me, thoughts of fear of being boring and just plainly mediocre. It's a sad thought that keeps catching up with me. As i have said, i will not settle for mediocrity.
In a few days, Nigel and i have will have been together for 1 year and 3 months. Wow, how time passes by so fast and slow at the same time. It's been one hell of a ride with Nige, but i'm glad to say that i don't regret anything we've been through. I just get so scared of thinking how it might end, if it would end, and if things just become so dull between us. But i guess i'm not so scared cause somehow i know that it would never be dull between the two of us. The fear just keeps seeping in and it's trying to wash out everything else that's good but i will not let fear get the best of me. Not anymore at least.
I wish the trip to Anvaya still comes through on a saturday. And i'm also excited to get my student permit :D. I can drive by friday yay! I wish i can have my own car soon, supposedly courtesy of my dad, but i haven't heard any news from him since like last month. I want to drive already and be free. I want to be free but of course i will always remember my responsibilities and limits.
And i wish that school wasn't so near yet and that at the same time it starts already so that i can just get it done with. I want to finish high school already and finish it with awards so that my mom and i have something to be proud of, that i am worth something. I want to do my best this time to the best of my abilities because i know i am one of those people who can achieve what they really want. I know i am capable of being the best. I won't compare myself to others anymore. I will graduate one of the best students in St. Paul holding my head up high.
Anyway, i'm really tired and sick :\. I hate being sick except on school days. I know i have to lose that attitude of being so lazy. It's just that i really find school so useless. I know some people would call me crazy for saying that for education is the most important thing we hold in this world, but i don't share that opinion, or rather fact. I don't get what school can do for me. I'm persuing music and i have no idea what i need chemistry for. I just don't get it. I wish that i focused on music alone so that at least i would be really good at it by now. I hope i still get somewhere in the future because in it's own way, the future haunts me a lot more than i realized it really did. I'm scared to be stuck in reverse and to be plain and normal. I don't want to be mediocre. I want to do what i want. And i hope that my determination and hope do not fail me. I don't wish life was easier, i just wish that i don't lose myself in stupidity or mediocrity. I don't want to lose myself, period. I want to be happy and even if it would make me go through shit that never fails to catch up with us, i'm willing to get hurt and fall just to get to stand up and say that i'm happy and that i have no regrets. I'm not going to say i'm not going to be scared anymore, but rather say that i accept my fears and take them with me but not let them be me. I won't lose hope anymore, and i will be full of courage. No more fragile little girl. I'm going to grow up now. I'm going to be happy.
~living life in love <3 -Talia-~
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