liking school.

Ok, i hope no one gets offended by the things that are going to be stated in this blog. This is freedom of speech that i am exercising haha.

Senior year is not my best year, but i love it. Holistically, this year is my ideal class. Friends are more of co-workers, and everyone enjoys themselves at the same time. But third year was my best and partly worst year. I'm surprised to say that i love this school year. I think it's kind of too late to like it now. I should've liked it when i was in third year so i could've done well. It's so ironic how i like school. Last year, i was always trying to find ways to not go to school cause i hated it. I guess it was because of my second year. Second year was torture to me. But there are things that made me happy that year, but only outside of school. School really sucked in second year.

This year is like a new start for me. I figured out so many things i wished i figured out last year. I have friends this year who don't look down on me. I'm happy that my relationship with them is going well. Last year, i felt so alone even though at the same time, people welcomed me. I guess i wasn't as close to everyone as they were close to each other. I wasn't the close friend. I guess i felt bad about that. Other people just seemed to not like me for i don't know what reason. They could've told me. I would've rather they told me than what they did, which was hiding it from me. I really felt like an outcast. But now, since we're not classmates, i feel like i'm still a part of the unforgettable three-ten. Third year could be considered my best and partly the worst. But nothing could beat how bad second year was.

First year is where i found my true friends. I found my best friends. But i didn't like the class because of certain people. And let me just say, the new students in my class before, they're such snobs now. It's like they don't even know me. Wow, so much for camaraderie.

This class, i like them, but loving this class is another story. The year is just starting out, something bad is bound to happen since i am in this class. Nothing really goes my way. I'm partly always the outcast. Even at my elective, i'm still an outcast. I wish Aliona still went to the Japanese elective with me. But who cares, i love the Japanese culture. I can thrive on my own.

I guess i just don't like being alone. Maybe it's i who causes myself to be further distanced by people. Maybe it's my flaws that i never worked on. I guess maybe, i'm too over-excited that i keep talking about something over and over again. But would that really bother people? I wish i knew what was really wrong with me. I never seem to fit in. I never seem to be the one people want to be close with. I'm not the type of person who's wanted or liked. People never tell me why. People never get dissappointed when i'm not there. People don't invite me to outings. It hurts. It's lonely. It's sad.

I just want to get through high school cause of this. Some people have friends, but my friends seem to be drifting away all the more. I don't know what to do now but to rely on teachers sometimes. Teachers can't help sometimes either, but they make me feel like i belong somewhere. What's wrong with me? I wish someone would answer me. I don't like feeling alone in school anymore. It makes me detest school. It gets me unmotivated and sick of school. It breaks my heart.

I like this year because no one treats me like i'm an outcast. But this year is nothing special because, i actually don't know why. It feels normal. It feels mediocre. It feels hollow. I hope it will become special in due time. After all, the third week of school is just about to start tomorrow.

I am excited for tomorrow to come (meaning monday since it is now 3am in the morning). I'm going to be a certified non-pro driver. That makes me feel fulfilled and happy. I'm also going to try to run for center core in the school's GIFT program. I want to head the instrumentalists' department. Although, my confidence is dwindling because the election is like a popularity contest. I feel that i would lose. And i think this year, there will be a song fest. I want to win or at least have the place that i deserve to have. I don't want the things in second year to happen again. That really broke my heart. It took me two years to get over that. That's the reason i started hating school in the first place. People are so unfair to ruin other people's work. I hate it when people do that.

I can't wait for college too. A clean sleight for everything. A new environment with new friends. I look forward to it. But there is a part of me that doesn't want to grow up. And after college, i plan to teach music in St. Paul. Two of my teachers actually promised me that they would wait for me to get there. One was Ms. Peds (one of my closest teachers) and the second was Sir Virtudez. I hope my other teachers are still there too when i teach there, if i can even teach there in the future. I want to grow up so fast yet i want things to stay the way they are. Sigh. I wish things would get better some how. Even my relationship is some how on the edge right now.

I just realized how much blogging helps me. It takes the burden away even if no one is reading it. The truth really sets us free. I'm tired. I have HW to do tomorrow. I shouldn't have procrastinated the other day. I'm starting to do it again. Ugh. I have to not give in to the temptation of procrastinating. I wish i get my car soon. I want to drive already, badly.

~living life in love <3-Talia-~