tired.

I'm really tired. School is taking up much of my time. But i am partly happy about that. I'm getting used to the fact that i have to take school more seriously or else, i'll have to face a lot of consequences. I miss my class last year. I miss my teachers last year. I miss what i used to have with my boyfriend. I wish he would be more of a best friend nowadays. I don't know what's wrong with me. It's like i'm always not enough. I'm sorry for ranting like this because i just feel exhausted to the point where i don't know how i feel. Balancing school and a relationship is a bit hard. I still try my best to give my time even though i am so busy. I guess i'm the one who's not worthy of his time.

It feels so tiring, the fact that there's so much to do already plus all the drama that's going on. Things are getting harder. Well, life is always getting harder. Everything feels distant and just numb. I wish it would all be over soon. Too much drama isn't good for anyone. Just when things at school were going great, your personal life really has to be bad. Even in the movie the Devil Wears Prada, one character there said that when our work is good our personal life goes down the drain. So what do you exactly choose? Isn't that a bit too hard to choose from?

I know i don't want my life to be boring and mediocre, so i guess i shouldn't ask for everything to be always right. So as of now, i won't ask for anything. I'll simply live through it. God gives us through certain things so we become better people. I don't think he'd put us through anything we can't take. And as people, i think we are capable of going through anything. We all have the capability of being strong. We just have to simply believe and not lose faith in ourself and God, that is if you believe in God.

Maybe i've been blind for all these years about being me. I should've harnessed the confidence a long time ago. Too bad i'm just human, i got to go through what everyone goes through, namely the time where we close ourselves off to everyone else because we think it's a better way of preserving ourselves. After all, we are just human. We try to survive and try to find the right way to do it. I'm glad i'm out of that phase. Some people really just don't like to share how they feel. I don't understand why. The truth sets us free. Why not be honest? Why do we have to hide who we are and what we think? Isn't it kind of useless? What's the use of hiding oneself if we end up just being more burdened by our own actions. What's the use of living but to share our lives to other people who we love. What else are we here for but to be relational beings?

It's so weird how some people want to keep to themselves so much. I mean a bit is ok cause we all need our space, but hiding every ounce of what we feel adds to the weight of untold heart aches. It creates another us. It changes us through time. We build up a shell and then some how, forget the part that is who we are. Why do we need to be such hermits? It's like the one with the best shell is the most liked one but then when the truth comes out, it's a normal crab. I might not know if i'm still making sense, maybe i am or maybe i'm not, but hiding how we feel isn't a good idea all the time. Hiding who we are makes it all the worse.

I've been so tired of all these thoughts. I wish i was more ignorant, or maybe naive is the better word. But i guess we can't help growing up. It's such a pain and joy to grow up. ugh.

I'm tired. Physically only though. I need some rest. Maybe a few hours would do. I wish life would be better in the future. I think it will be. I made a new motto. Instead of proving others wrong, i'm going to focus more on proving myself right. :)

Nigel, i love you. I really want to work things out. But please, know your priorities. Education, family, and friends come before gaming. I wish i could come before gaming. Gah. I really want you to be my future. So let's work on each other. I love you so much.

This is all for now. I am drained.

~living life in love <3 -Talia-~